I have it. I have everything i want to say on the tip of my fingers. Yes, this is the personal post.
I am dysfunctional when i get hurt from someone who had all my trust and people need to stop thinking that i'm perfect because i'm not.
The root of the emotions i have currently is the fact that i'm alone. And i hate fucking feeling lonely and being it. It's not that i don't have anyone to speak to or be with. I just can't find myself opening up anymore with anyone right now the way i want too. Feeling alone is the reason why i stay up so late often, despite the fact that i don't feel safe either. Now that i'm single, i feel like some wall automatically got built. Majority of the things i think about are no longer shared with any single soul but mine. Majority of the things i feel are no longer shared with any single soul but mine. I just can't anymore. I can't believe i'm struggling with this shit again. I try to defeat the wall when i speak to you but i sound cruel and mad. After all that, you don't even want to give me to slightest attention and you working against me doesn't make anything better either. All this makes me sound crazy when i even try to share anything with anyone. Because in some weird way, i lost sharing personal things when i lost you. I can't stop hurting either. I really can't because this time feels like the very last on us. No matter how hard i try to fight that feeling. Also, now that i'm single, i'm afraid. I'm afraid where to start or even if i should start. I'm afraid if anyone would actually accept me the way you did. I need time, perhaps. I try to devour myself in music and having many different conversations with different people to keep me distracted from feeling lonely but it doesn't work. I'm unhappy but i won't show that to anyone who hasn't read this blog because they don't need to know that i am and besides all they would say is that i'm young and that i shouldn't be stressing over anything. I need to feel warmth, actual warmth from a soul. Warmth that can bring me back to what i use to be. I need arms. No strings attached. I can't dependent on people either because that's asking for too much now a days. I need love all over again. I need trust all over again. I need happiness all over again. I'm tired of doing things on my own.
