It's really sad to know that someone wasn't really for you after 9 months because then it makes you question yourself and why the hell isn't that person ready for everything you're bringing to the table, all the effort, personality and just your whole mind set. When you're ready.
I died a little every time when I felt like you didn't know what to do with me or sometimes my emotions because hey, you're the guy I was planning on marrying and maybe I went wrong on even letting myself think that. It just didn't make any sense, that I loved someone so much and despite everything, I never felt loved as much, back because of your actions.Thinking about everything and how everything is now, it kinda makes me laugh because we planned so much and never really paid any attention to what was going around us until you ran into your ex is when I saw what the hell was in front of me. Not that you were a bad boyfriend or anything like that because you did make me happy and you did tried your best to give me everything I wanted when it came to food,a good time and a pair of ears. You never really ever understood though. But just after everything that happened that day made me realize that I deserved way much better for myself and I needed someone fucking ready for my shit as much as I'll be ready for theirs. I need someone who gives a shit and balances out my personality. And it kills me that you think that being sorry about everything and growing up a little changes anything. It doesn't. Not even close to changing. I don't know, our relationship that we had didn't make any sense and it still doesn't. I'm a bit better off now and everyone can think that I'm a bitch for doing me while you're sad, I guess. But honestly, who the fuck cares about their opinions? Half of those who gives a shit don't even know my side of the story and you can never ever tell it because you never understood who the fuck I was and what the fuck I really needed when I was with you. And of course, you aren't me to even tell my side of the story. I do miss you though, I won't deny that here or to anyone who ever asks me. I miss the idea we built and that feeling you gave me the first two weeks of getting to know eachother because noone ever made me feel that way. But it's a first for everything and we all learn. I don't if anything I'm writing makes sense. But I know this, makes sense to me. If anyone would have a heart to heart conversation about this, they would know everything and how much I loved you. It's just really crazy how things change. How were strangers just like how we started. The thing that bothers me the most is that your aura bothers me even more than ever now because it's so negative. But I want you to know, that I don't hate you for the heartbreak you gave me, instead I wish you the best and happiness your way. We are so much better off not interacting with eachother and you'll see after a couple of months from now or whenever you meet someone else. Just pay attention A LOT more to her feelings than hating everything. I've learned a lot that's for sure and I'm not extremely happy but I'm alright and I know I will be for a long time. Eventually I'll be happy as fuck again. I love my life and everyone who is in it so I know that would not be a problem. Meeting lovely new people, going out there and going to places would help a lot. Focusing on myself is best for now and smiling even if it's fake smiles. I don't want to frown anymore when I'm alone. I hate it. I want to embrace every emotion I have in a positive way. I don't know. Sometimes I wish things didn't have to be this way because we had a nice thing going but things happened and we grow up out of what we once felt.
