I woke up today to pee not to long ago and I'm hurting but it's because I feel like I deserve it because I know exactly what to do to get out of it. I wanna go back to school but I can't. Not this semester at least. I just want to become what I want to become. Fuck everything else and how I felt last night, I can get up and change this.


Smile smile smile smile smile smile smile

Be happy be happy be happy be happy be happy


Im in love with who I was becoming, I can get back on track.

This feeling is to familiar.

I can't stop wanting to cry about where I am in life. It's like I keep going back and forth with myself and my mental state of mind. I feel the way I felt in freshman year. Where I felt suffocated to be myself. But no one does this to me, but myself. I let this feeling consume me as if it were home sweet home. But it's horrible, it tears me apart, it makes me feel lost within everyone I know, it makes me have the nerve to blame everyone in my life for this feeling but all in all, it's noones fault but my own.

In all honestly I haven't been sleeping good at all. Like tonight, what the fuck was the reason why I couldn't go to sleep? I wasn't even thinking about much, just the fact that I wanted to love someone tonight. Really, really bad. I was almost crying internally. I'm really sleepy right now but I'm here writing because if I get my thoughts down, maybe they'll escape from my head. Today, talking to my mom and sister made me realize that I'm no where near ready for another relationship, I'm still hurting and trying to recovery from this one relationship that ended 4 months ago, I suppose. I'm getting there, and I'm getting better. It's not exactly that I'm not over it, or that I think about it randomly, it's just people bring it up, it still stings. Anyway, tonight, just for tonight, I wanted to kiss and rub someone's hair while they slept so they can know I'm here to take care of them. Why do I always yearn to love and take care f someone? I should take a break and let me be loved and taken care of, the way I should be. But no, once it happens like it is now with this current guy, I'm scared as fuck. It's almost as if it's to beautiful for me to touch it with my wounds and old teared up soul. But I can't help, all I wanna do is be embraced by his arms. I can never rush love, that's why I'm here. Wanting to be in love, loved and taken care of.

Just because something was good yesterday doesn't mean it'll be good today. You have to appreciate what you had once you had it and if it's gone tomorrow, just smile.

I always feel like I'm high.

It's this weird feeling that has grown inside of me today. But it's a good feeling, a really good one. I don't feel like questioning anything, taking everything as what it appears to me and leaving it that way. I'm just happy and I feel like when I question things in my life, I hop off that seat and I don't want that. I just want too keep smiling. What I realized today is that it should never matter how far you are going to do something or see someone because as long as you're coming back home happy and not being able to stop smiling in this content feeling should only matter. Everything is just going really nice and I like it.

The color liptsick I got:)
It's orange and pinkish.<3

I had a good day today. Now I'm just dying to go home and eat. I've been dying to pee too. I feel like its eating my kidneys. Yes, it's that serious.

No clue

It's been so hard to actually get along with my mom and it sucks so much. It really tears me apart. It's hard to work with someone who always bluntly or sub consciously compares you to her other daughter all the time. Yes, she has come a really far way and I'm happy for her. But I am my own person and I wouldn't be following the same steps as her. I don't understand why my mom cant figure that out. Ive been having my attitude with her and although I know things shouldn't be handle that way but my mom is weird. I can't be nice to her and expect her to understand me. I keep telling her to stop treating like a 15 year old. But my parents have told me that if I get a job I can basically do whatever I want too do. Which makes me happy of course. And if I have to leave their comfort home to be on my own and show them that I am my own person then I'll freaking do it. I can do anything i put my mind to. It just sucks, it really does.

Hello sweet November

You have been quite a catch.

Hello, I just downloaded an app to blog as much as I want.

I'm utterly excited. Now I can blog while I walk or wait for my coffee. Ahhhh, well good morning blog and it feels so good to be back. I've been selling little parts of my soul to the Internet. As in tumblr, twitter and the usual Facebook. I should stop right!? I think I should. Sell my soul to art and reading. I am reading this book by the name of eat pray love and it's amazing. I actually have to renew it today.

I can never get to personal here, as I've noticed. I can never give this blog full blunt details about my days, weeks, months, years and pains. Of course the endless happiness as well. I can never explain in full explanation  why I feel a certain way and what's causing it. I don't want to sell my soul anymore. It's mine and only mine. No more sharing, offering the love I know to give but never give for myself. I need to devour myself in all that I know and learn from it before I even think of calling anyone mine. There are of course, reasons and good ones, why I feel this way. Why I have been feeling like this. It's just  not me anymore, well for the moment at least. I don't mean the blogging or anything like that. I just mean the sharing and being in relationships and all that bullshit. It makes me vomit. Now, now, now, don't take me as I have lost all my hope for love because I haven't. It burns right on the pit of my stomach bigger and brighter than ever. But I'm just not ready to dance with anyone around this bonfire that sprouts. I come back and forth with you and I like it. I like that I can come here at anytime and anyday, pour my heart out to you and you won't say a thing back, just listen. You are such an amazing listener.

Don't take this as a goodbye, I will see you later from time to time.
I'm on a journey,

As long as i got to love you, I think I'm okay with how things are.

I got myself a bike.

It feels good to know that I have a bike and that I can ride it whenever I want too with out anyone and telling anyone where I'm going. Just fucking ride, where ever your legs end up taking you. It's in my room right now with me. It also feels good to say ' let's fucking bike ride', whenever as well.