Today was my first day at Rite Aid and i was pretty excited and nervous. I met basically everyone there and they all seem nice. Martha who has been working there for almost two years was teaching and showing me everything . I'll be working on Tuesdays and Wednesday from 4pm to 7pm and Fridays 5pm to 8pm. I'm surprise i got three days when i thought i would of got just two days. I get paid every week so i'm excited for the new things i'll be buying. ;] And of course, saving for Christmas.

Tomorrow is December! :D

You know what's upsetting?

That Netflix does NOT have SEASON 3 of DEXTER.....
    THAT breaks my heart.
 I'm really sad.
What the hell am i suppose to do now when i can't sleep? -____-

Final Fantasy IV DS Music - Rydia

How i get my mind and soul to relax.

How i get my emotions and thoughts all organized.

Lucky- All India Radio/ Dee Pee Studios

Holy shit. AMAZING.

92 DOLLARS :D

I broke my savings with a hammer. It felt really good. I had this wood box for so long. I'm in the process of counting my money as i type this. I'm tired of being broke even though i'm going to start working soon. I might put all this money into the bank.

A month and 5 days including today, until 2011.
Where the hell did 2010 go?

I want music that makes me feel like i'm on drugs.

“the body brings lust but personality brings love”

I woke up not to long ago. My dreams were all about surviving in many forms and helping out those who needed to survive. The last dream is the only one i can really remember. I was walking to my old apartment with someone who i can't remember who it was, from a store probably and when we got to the front door, we realized that someone had broke it down so we spent a really long time trying to make that door safe until an homeless man who was that guy from the cosby show (Malcolm) and we ended up taking him inside with us so he can be safe and the rest of the dream, we spent on trying to make that door safe by trying all the possibilities we had.

I feel so incongruous.
The rest of my day is going to be spent on eating ramen with eggs and watching movies and dexter.
Ou, great news, i go into work on monday! i got the job in Rite Aid. I'm pretty excited since it's my first job.
I can finally save up and go places.
I'm also going to apply to Childrens Place at Queens Center.

You must understand true sadness to  appreciate true happiness, 

you must have bad love to feel a great love, 

you must feel pain to enjoy pleasure, 

you must be treated like shit to recognize that you deserve better…

In life we must see the downs to fully appreciate/feel/understand/realize the ups. It’s all about the contrast.

You gotta sift through the bullshit to find the gold.

Thanksgiving

Oh my. I really loved and adored the fact that this thanksgiving was filled with so much family and laughters. I couldn't stop smiling at the table. I felt like a creep. I ate a lot, that's for sure. The food was all made by my godmother, aunts and grandmother. <3

I'm really thankful for everyone who is in my life at the moment. I couldn't ask for anyone else to be in your shoes. I'm really thankful for the amazing meal i had today. I'm really thankful that i have such a huge family that love each other. I'm really thankful for being a live. I'm really thankful for life and everyone who is living because all of you guys have a reason to be doing so. I hope everyone had a great thanksgiving and had food to eat and be around people they love and care about.

Thank you.


My activist side usually comes out on days like this and just preaches. But i wanted to have a good day with people i love.

Homecoming

Me and Johanna went to pizza hut to get 50 cent wings as we thought. But when we got there, it was 50 cent per wing. -_- But we had 16 mild buffalo wings with blue cheese and bread sticks with sauce and it was pretty yummy. It didn't full me up. After that i bought carrot juice and she bought ice tea. We had to kill 3 hours, i  believe. So we walked into every store that we found and then later on went to Star's house which was pretty much for nothing. Anyway by the time we left her house we decided to get on the 88 and head to bowne. We helped out the photographer for a while to take pictures of the basketball team and just people who came to homecoming. I saw a lot of people i didn't think i would see and it was all lovely. My cheeks were really red and people thought i was drunk because of that. -_- It was just really hot in there.

Anyway, to kathy's post: It really did feel like a blog meet up. I think we should all really hang out next time. It was nice seeing you as well. <3

After all that, I gathered and stayed with Johanna and her huge group of friends and went to the mall. I ate and laughed and talked and met a few people who were really nice. 

I came home happy that night.
And to think that i had a good time when i didn't even want to go from the start.
Thanks Johanna for not letting me leave you.

You don't understand how bad i wanted to run to you and kiss you. But it was all wrong.

I have it. I have everything i want to say on the tip of my fingers. Yes, this is the personal post.
I am dysfunctional  when i get hurt from someone who had all my trust and people need to stop thinking that i'm perfect because i'm not.

The root of the emotions i have currently is the fact that i'm alone. And i hate fucking feeling lonely and being it. It's not that i don't have anyone to speak to or be with. I just can't find myself opening up anymore with anyone right now the way i want too. Feeling alone is the reason why i stay up so late often, despite the fact that i don't feel safe either. Now that i'm single, i feel like some wall automatically got built. Majority of the things i think about are no longer shared with any single soul but mine. Majority of the things i feel are no longer shared with any single soul but mine. I just can't anymore. I can't believe i'm struggling with this shit again. I try to defeat the wall when i speak to you but i sound cruel and mad. After all that, you don't even want to give me to slightest attention and you working against me doesn't make anything better either. All this makes me sound crazy when i even try to share anything with anyone. Because in some weird way, i lost sharing personal things when i lost you. I can't stop hurting either. I really can't because this time feels like the very last on us. No matter how hard i try to fight that feeling. Also, now that i'm single, i'm afraid. I'm afraid where to start or even if i should start. I'm afraid if anyone would actually accept me the way you did. I need time, perhaps. I try to devour myself in music and having many different conversations with different people to keep me distracted from feeling lonely but it doesn't work. I'm unhappy but i won't show that to anyone who hasn't read this blog because they don't need to know that i am and besides all they would say is that i'm young and that i shouldn't be stressing over anything. I need to feel warmth, actual warmth from a soul. Warmth that can bring me back to what i use to be. I need arms. No strings attached. I can't dependent on people either because that's asking for too much now a days. I need love all over again. I need trust all over again. I need happiness all over again. I'm tired of doing things on my own.

I can't sleep in an empty house.

I haven't been able to write down my personal post yet and how yesterday went but i will soon.

I have a personal post that needs to be posted. I'm gathering the right words i should use.

" You know you're living your life when you don't know the date." <3

-Johanna Cadet

I. Need. Fried. IceCream.
That is all, for now.
Someone take me and treat me.

You’ll find happiness when you find someone that can compliment your craziness.

Nothing is as simple as it use to be.

Now we have to deal with emotions and the fact that you care.
Back then, we just followed our hearts and did what we wanted to do.
That's what i want, to follow my heart.

I'm doing everything else other than my english essay that needs to be done. I'm just tired and lazy right now to even think of doing it. But it's a midterm and i have to do it. Well actually, no. I don't have to do it. No one is forcing me. But in order to pass, get the credit and improve my GPA is why it seems like i have to do it.

Phoenix- North [HD]

Such an amazing flow.

I have to face reality.

Hi, i haven't had the guts to really write out how i feel. I just don't think anyone should really know. Not yet, at least. But i need hugs. Tons of them. And one thing i have the guts to say is, i am in love with the show Dexter. Bye for now.

Bangarang - Pogo

So beautiful.

I've been so out of it lately. I can't seem to understand anything i'm doing. Everything i'm saying changes after a few sentences. Everything doesn't feel like me. Everything feels like someone else. I'm so annoyed because of that feeling. I feel like i can't do anything on my own any more. I'm always thinking about someone else's happiness or what my actions would do to theirs. It's making me go crazy. But i don't think it's exactly just these feelings. It's something else. I feel like i've lost myself. The person i use to be so fond of. The person i use to love. I lost it. I don't know where i left her behind. Well maybe i do,  i've melted within problems and insecurities. I'm tired of  admiring  those who got their shit together. I need to get myself back together. I need to start doing shit for myself. I need to clear my head. I might be a mess at the moment, but i think i found my muse. I can't stop wanting to read more on their thoughts. What they write makes me want to become a better person. What they write makes me feel better. What they write makes me feel like i haven't completely lost myself. I'm just well hidden at the moment. No one can really understand at the moment. I  mean, i don't think i want any one to understand. Because like i said before i have yet to understand what i'm going through. Maybe i'm growing up but i'm not to sure on that yet either. I really need time for myself. I'm telling you, i might just be going mad. One promise that i can make myself right now is that, i'm going to be taking baby steps.

Pogo - Alice

I love this. I can't even. This is the best.

I have no idea what time i fell asleep but i know i just woke up and i'm still tired and i'm hungry. I just ate a banana though and i feel a lot better. Blah, today i have to clean and buy miso a light for her since her other one burnt out. Tomorrow i'm gonna buy myself a bag that i've been having my eye on. <3

I can't sleep and i feel like throwing up because i need to sleep. I just can't.

GREETINGS!

Ah, what's new?

Hm, well i'm spending some time with my big brother and my nephews since it'd be my last time seeing my nephews for a really long time because they're going to Florida for reasons. Anyway, they're so cute. <3 Today i went to a diner on Queens Blvd with my big brother, my little brother, cousin and my sister. It was decent. I've realized that i'm so quiet around them, pretty much around anyone in my family. I mean i've always realized this but today it came more to my acknowledge. I really don't know why. And i don't like it but i just never find myself saying much when the time comes. Other than that, i'm feeling pretty okay. I just finished painting my nails pink and i picked my yearbook picture yesterday :o! i hope it comes out pretty on the yearbook. I'm also studying for my permit. Ou! i'm saving money already for Christmas gifts<3 and i might get that job in the Rite Aid i last applied too. The owner told my dad today that he's going to give me two days per week really soon. So yay! Oh and i got my facebook back.

I am not mad or happy. I am simply annoyed.

So yesterday me and Johanna celebrated her birthday at this restaurant SEA and wow, the food was amazing. We got filled up so quickly just with the appetizer. For appetizer we ordered, spring rolls with some duck sauce, jade seafood dumplings with curry sauce and calamari for the both of us. For dinner i ordered chicken with some weird spicy sauce and some vegetables (really yummy) and it automatically came with white rice. Johanna ordered some roasted chicken and chicken fried rice that also came with vegetables and eggs. We shared the chicken fried rice because it was huge. The food there was simply great and the area around there as well, which is Williamsburg of course. After dinner, we walked around and went into thrift shops and basically anything we saw. I bought Johanna two cute hats in one of the thrift shops we went into. (; My favourite shop that we went into was a shop were you can make your own necklaces, rings and earrings. Boy, did i fall in love with every little piece there, especially the crystal colorful rocks. <3 I really need to go back there and make me some cute stuff.  Me and her need to have more days like this <3

I just came back from taking my senior pictures for yearbook and i'm pretty excited and nervous about it. I'm going to post it up here to show you guys which one i'm going to pick! GAH! :D  Overall, today was a pretty good day. I can't wait for tomorrow because were gonna celebrate Johanna's birthday. <3 Happy birthday peachplum!

The greatest relationships are the ones you least expect to happen.

Oh and tomorrow, i'm taking senior pictures at the studio and i'm pretty nervous, haha! I wish someone was coming with me but i guess it's okay. I'm also pretty excited to go to school. There's so much birthdays this month, lets start off by saying Happy Birthday Luis! (: and Tomorrow is Johanna's birthday. <3  

Today was great at the sushi place. And after that we took a photo booth picture and here it is (: I was completely happy. And here we are, 8 months, being silly. We are planning to take this every month. <3 Our relationship has been a great gift that i can ever receive and i hope we keep on getting better so our dreams can come true.

My dreams last night. Never ever again, do i want to dream about them. Way to weird. Way to real. Way to detail.

I hate being ignored.

Today <333

I wish flowers were sometimes in black and white. They're beautiful too.

Today i'm going to my god mother's house. A house full with family on every floor. I can't wait to see my cute grandmother. <3 But other than that, Good Morning. My sleeping patterns are all fucked up, if you haven't noticed. Last night, i went to sleep around 6 with my sister and than woke up around 11:20ish. Why? I don't know why. I'm not even tired anymore. But i would of loved more sleep.  Boyfriend is still sleeping. He sleeps to much, haha. I want to read some manga but i don't know where i am at in Naruto, to start. Instead of watching anime at the present moment, i'm going to catch up on manga, so me and boyfriend can finally talk about it and get excited over it. Today feels like a great day. Thank you for letting me wake up. I don't know who i am thanking, specificity, but it's nice to be grateful out loud. I hope everyone has a great day ahead of them.

So i finished Darker Than Black not to long ago. I really liked it. But it felt like it should of ended on episode 26 instead of episode 27. Episode 27 had nothing to do with the story line, through me off topic actually. No, no, I think it ruined the anime actually. But there are two series left and i'm not to sure if i'm actually going to watch it. I feel like there's no need because Darker Than Black already finished, these two series are just two series with different story lines. And i know this because i watched a couple of episodes of the different series. Anyway, i don't know what's next for me. Maybe sleep.

Never leave the one you accomplish your dreams with for the one you discuss your dreams with.

Our happiness has a lot of significance to me. So i hope you are utterly truly happy with me because you can expect the same from my side. I'm more than glad to know that we are just getting stronger. You don't understand how quickly this love that i have towards you just keeps on growing. Yes, sometimes you annoy me. Maybe, more than sometimes. But at the end of the day, it all makes me smile. To find warmth in my own skin and feel like i'm home everytime i'm with you, feels like heaven. It's my heaven. You are sleeping right now and i'm so selfish that i don't want you to be sleeping. I want you here, speaking to me. Texting or whatever the case is. I can't wait for you to wake up and feel refreshed. I can't wait to see that smile on your face. I am more than thankful for you. Know that and remember it. <3 I can't wait for monday. We make 8 months.

I'm awake again. I can never have a decent sleep. I'm to scared. I'm scared of non-existing things. My head hurts.

I feel so hopeless.

Because old pictures will never get old.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OKprKZHYfl0&feature=player_embedded

Haha, to this song. <3333
She's so lovely and beautiful.
Why did the lyrics make my night a lot better?

The last post i posted up became a draft. I didn't want people knowing how i really felt. So i hope no one read it. And if you did, just know that things will be alright for me. I just need to rant some times about things that would not bother me a few hours later from when i wrote it. But most likely, would come up again. But enough of that, i need a hug.

I am still debating on whether to get facebook back. There's something stopping me.

I want to feel beautiful everyday.

My shoes finally came. <3 :D

I've been meaning to post this picture up. I love how we are doing the same face expression, sort of, and we didn't even tell each other. Don't you just love that? When you're taking a picture with someone and they do the same face expression as you? It makes you smile and it makes the picture feel connected. The past few days i've realized that, i can't just run away and end things because of a problem that can easily be forgotten and worked on due to the amount of love and spirit we have. It doesn't make any sense. I won't learn that way. But things will change this time around, on both parts. 

I can't wait to have an apartment with you, go food shopping and cook breakfast, lunch, dinner and deserts. I can't wait to be able to sleep with you every night and wake up to your stinky breath. I can't wait to know that i can wake up when ever in the middle of the night and just kiss you. I can't wait to share a future with you.

Open your eyes, this world does not get any prettier.

Trying to get my trust back is very slim and that goes to anyone that i will ever know and that i know now.
I hate lairs. And i know that i am one too, but i am only define as a white lair. I only lie to my mother sometimes on where i am at and who i am with and to teachers which is only based on excuses from being absent or why i didn't do homework. And when they believe me, they're to naive. Because i'm not even a good liar. Other than that, you will get the fully truth out of me. Nonetheless, i can't even lie beyond the two examples i gave you guys. I will feel to horrible.

I will never understand how and why people would even go through the trouble to lie. What is it really getting you? Where are you going with those lies you vomit? The thing about lying with me is that i will find out regardless on what the hell you tell me. Let it be the that very second, days after or months. But i will find out and when i do, you are no longer respected by me nor trusted. Lying does not make anything better. Lying does not get you far in life. Yes, the truth hurts. But i rather be hurt by the truth than lies. Lies make people feel like they aren't worth the truth. When people tell you that they are lying about something because they care about you, well it's quite the opposite.

When anyone lies, it's testing the intelligence of the person they are lying too.
I deal with enough at home so i don't need to be tangled in your webs.
The point is, i hate lairs.

And if i continue to speak to someone who has lost my trust, i am barely listening or it can simply mean that i can't imagine my life without you or it can be both. The majority of it all, i will cut you out of my life if i have too.

And if one takes back what they lost, it will mean a lot and our bond will  be a lot stronger. But trust me dearly so, it will take a very long time for this to ever happen. So if you want to stay in my life, you are better off being honest.

I'm starting to like the way i look with curly hair and red lipstick! (:

Welcome My Dear Sweet November.

You are as cold as i can remember.
I hope you find comfort in the joy you squeeze out when your day comes.
Which is Thanksgiving.
Please give food to everyone who doesn't have a home.
And for those who have a home, Let them have a great meal and time.
Each and one of them deserve it, I tell you.
Always be sure to come again next year.