I can't wait for this movie :]

With my sister being in Texas makes this house less of a home. But speaking to her makes it feel like home. I miss her dearly much and were catching up through texts as I type this. The idea of her being in Texas hasn't really settled in yet, I'm just getting use to her not being here and I feel like she's just sleeping over at someone's house and she'll be back in a couple of days.

Ahhhh

I just woke up and I'm finally able to ignore my phone for a little bit. Not that I hate it but a lot of people text me. I always feel loved, haha.  But yes, I'm going to the library to meet up some guys now and give them my turtle. Now that I'm actually going to give it away, feels weird. I kinda don't want to give it away anymore. But she deserves to be in a better home with a whole lot more attention. The guy I'm giving it too seems super nice so lets hope for the best. Because I just thought about, if I gave him my turtle he'll turn out like that mean kid in toy story. -___- THINK POSITIVE.

City and Colour dominate my heart.

You're so deceiving and after tomorrow it's a new beginning.

Cheers to nights that I can't sleep.

Tomorrow I'm going to get my nose pierced with my friend and he's going to pay for it because it's an early birthday gift from him to me. I'm pretty excited. It's going to be a tiny stud, probably on the left side of my nose. I can't sleep and I hate that I can't. I literally want everything and I always want to keep majority of those whom I speak to, to be around me. But I can't seem to want you. I can't seem to miss you. And it's not anger when it comes to this, I just can't miss you. I just really can't miss you and that doesn't bother me at all. I have other people who I rather miss. You wouldn't let me breathe either if I did keep you around. The things you've said to me made me so numb and confused, which I let happen of course but because of that, I am where I am at. You were such a huge impact in my life just like someone else was and I didn't expect for things to be the way it is now. But just going through what we went  threw has made me so a bit lost. I don't what's real or not sometimes. But my faith in believing has made me not become so cruel to anyone. My faith has made me want to keep  believing that there is good out there, that there is someone who won't treat me bad or lie to me when it's not needed because they know how strong I am. My faith has made me want to love more and passionate. You see, that's where you went wrong, you lied to me because you thought I was weak. You underestimate like everyone does. Being around people will make me better and being around my own company as well. Drowning myself into songs as well. Living life and being all around the place, until I find something worth staying in one place for as well will make me all better.

I truly wish the best for you though.
Because hey, everyone deserves happiness.

11 more days until my birthday.

I'm doing better today. I can say that I'm happy.

This week has been quite a shitty one. First was getting use to my sister not being here and I think I'm okay with how things are going.  Dealing with stuff that is pointless. Me and my mom running into little problems but we talked it out today while I was eating an apple. But despite this week being so crappy, thursday and friday has been the highlight of my week. I was with friends, mainly in the city and it felt so good being around laid back and awesome vibes. And even though it was just for the moment, they made me feel content with where I'm at in life even if I am heartbroken and empty feeling. Just to feel something that beautiful and push these feelings away made me happy. I spent alot of hours with them as well. I constantly speak to my sister because I miss her dearly much and its hard knowing that I can't crawl into her bed and sleep with her when I'm feeling lonely or when I just need someone to cry too. It's hard but I know I'll be alright. My birthday is coming soon and I'm just waiting until it does. I'm excited about turning 18 but I don't have any plans besides going to a club with some girls from my old job later on that weekend and hopefully going out with family to have a dinner. I haven't heard anything from my recent job and it sucks because I already want to officially start working and get some money. If I don't hear anything from this job until my birthday I'm going to start applying in the mall and at the city, mainly in soho. Being in the city yesterday made me love it more. Running into those little shows people have on the streets and singing crews made everything so lovely, oh besides eating two pizzas, a strawberry smootie and a cookie and cream cupcake.

Tonight, I'm going out with the girls from my old job to the movies.

Happy Valentines Day.

Sigh, a big shit load of Sighing

My sister just left with her boyfriend and now she is on her way to Texas. A new life. I did everything that I could of done to help them out move all the boxes and organize everything into Henry's car which was very helpful because I was great at it. Helping them out and assuring them that everything will fit, which did made my mood a lot better then it was from the morning. Speaking of the morning, I went to church with sister, her boyfriend and both of my parents. It felt weird, only because I haven't been there for so long but yet it felt nice. I never knew what to say when I was praying so I was being grateful with the thank yous I said. I'm going to miss my sister physically a whole lot. It won't be the same, although we are phone call away, a text a away, a webcam session and  hours away. It just won't be. I didn't know whether to cry or not. I wanted to cry but I couldn't because I was so damn proud and happy for her. I really am and I will always be. I do look forward to this new friendship me and her will have and I can't wait to go visit her in the summer. I swear, I'm going to save money for that trip as soon as I get this job at Rite Aid because without no doubt, I'm going to get hire. We all had dinner together and that was nice. I didn't really know how I should of acted today around my sister because she was annoyed with everything going on and basically making her stressed out. So I gave her space. Which I know she's okay with. I wish we went ice skating together. But there's always next winter for that. Her leaving makes me want to work harder on studying to pass those two regents so she can be there for my graduation because that's the only thing holding me back. I'm just really proud of her and I will keep contact with her because I refuse to have another relationship like me and my big brother who lives in P.A. There's a lot of things that I'm struggling with at this point of my life. Little phases that I hope will pass. I'm going to miss them a whole lot.

And now that I'm here, I'm in such a blah mood.

Ahhh what a beautiful week and cheers for this beautiful weekend that shall be coming up as well. I haven't been blogging lately much and it's not because i don't want to anymore but because i'm really trying to endure and enjoying everything as much as possible. Me and my sister have been spending a lot of time together because this is indeed, her last weekend in new york. I'm really excited for her. I quitted my old job and I got called in for this other Rite Aid near my house yesterday and so that worked out lovely. I'm soooo happy that they called me. I'm going in today at 2:30 to 3:00pm to talk about the days and hours and so on and so on. It worked out really lovely because my birhtday is coming up soon and i was getting a bit nervous not having any money or any outfit for that day.We'll see how that all goes. Today i'm going to my godmother's house to spend some time over there with family, sort of like a goodbye on my sister's part at least. Thursday was fun, i had a little surprise get together/party with the girls from my old job for my sister so we played a whole bunch of games and talked all  night. These girls are becoming some great dear friends. Yesterday was also lovely, all my girl cousins and a family friend got dolled up and went out to eat and basically spent the whole night venting and listening to eachother. <3 I really needed that. A reminded that people are having problems as well, other then me. 

I promise I'll blog more.

Word is bond.

I want my voice to be the sound that lifts your spirits up.

The sun rises and sets with you.

I'm scared to let my guard down again. I can't define this if it's a good scared or a bad scared. But I am because of the distance and the lack of overly dose attention. What's wrong with me? Why do I like knowing everything?  It's annoying. I'm being annoying right now. Just let it go and breathe. Take baby steps. We made a month today and yikes, a month! A freaking month.You don't understand. I'm just not ready to let my guard down to something new.


Great, this all sounds like a conversation between myself.

We can all dwell in the past and in the future because indeed, we all do so. But at the end of the day, it's all about the present, about how much your living the moment that you are in, about who is in your life and about the process you've made that day. It should never be about the people in the past and how they made you feel. It should never be about the people that you want in the future and how you want them to make you feel. It's all about the present. And I won't stress that enough because it's the truth. Of course, we can learn from the past and move forward and of course, we can think about what we want in our futures. But that should never be a priority thought. I don't think it's something healthy. And with that said, I can also say that I don't think it's healthy to miss something excessively that was in your past  because it is not in your present for a reason. We should put all the energy and effort into our present days because we are here to move forward and make the best of it and endure greater things.

I know this is so weird to write about, but I love when I get my period. I feel so clean. Like my period is taking all the bad aura, all the bad deeds of the month. It basically feels like it's cleaning my soul. I know I'm being a bit dramatic but it feels like that and I like it because it makes me happy. And this goes on for 5 to 7 days, isn't this feeling amazing?

Whether I'm a tad crazy when I'm sleepy or just a tad crazy.

Guys are more complicated than girls now a days.

You know? Happy thoughts and happy things this month. Doing the right thing and being happy. Just happy.
Planning out for my birthday weekend is going to be fun. :D