Well good morning. This feeling that I have scares me and it's not that just because I'm scare, I want to run away from who is making me feel this way. I want to keep embracing it because I haven't felt this way in over a year from the opposite sex. And it feels so damn good that I can't stop smiling at random times. It's all new of course, so I'm not going to rush anything and just see what happens. But even now there's a light smile on my face while I write this and it feels like gentle butterflies flying around inside of me. I'm just so excited. And so far that I know, your state of mind is to good to be true, but I'm not going to pick at that, I'm just gonna enjoy it and smile.


New feeling. New somebody. New smiles.

Running on not enough sleep.

Turn your back, move towards the beautiful sunset.

Things are finally looking up. I went to take my placement test in QCC this morning and it was about 4 hours and a half. I think I did pretty well. Hopefully BMCC gives me a little bit of classes. Next thursday I'm going to be having a second interview with Rickey's and I'm sure it's because they want me. :) So lets hope that goes well. I'm feeling great. I think I'm going to cut all ties with this one guy and just focus and enjoy the beautiful things around me. Besides, his mentally doesn't suit me swell. Although he is really funny.

Today was really random, lovely and high.

I want a boyfriend but I sure don't need one.

Happy Easter Assholes.

It's that simple, know yourself better. Regulate your actions and words.

To break down on the phone with one of your friends and to know that they are reassuring you that everyone goes through heartbreaks and that they will always be there for you even at your worse is probably one of the best feelings in the world. To know that you aren't alone when you need someone the most can semi level up with the feeling of someone telling you that they're falling in love with you.

Things aren't what they seem to be.

I love this little sweater/jacket thing I got from Forever 21. <3
I'm getting more and more comfortable in my own skin.

Last night yummies.

I don't like it so much when people try to hard to figure me out.

You know, I don't think I've ever ranted about us.

It's really sad to know that someone wasn't really for you after 9 months because then it makes you question yourself and why the hell isn't that person ready for everything you're bringing to the table, all the effort, personality and just your whole mind set. When you're ready.

I died a little every time when I felt like you didn't know what to do with me or sometimes my emotions because hey, you're the guy I was planning on marrying and maybe I went wrong on even letting myself think that. It just didn't make any sense, that I loved someone so much and despite everything, I never felt loved as much, back because of your actions.Thinking about everything and how everything is now, it kinda makes me laugh because we planned so much and never really paid any attention to what was going around us until you ran into your ex is when I saw what the hell was in front of me. Not that you were a bad boyfriend or anything like that because you did make me happy and you did tried your best to give me everything I wanted when it came to food,a good time and a pair of ears. You never really ever understood though. But just after everything that happened that day made me realize that I deserved way much better for myself and I needed someone fucking ready for my shit as much as I'll be ready for theirs. I need someone who gives a shit and balances out my personality. And it kills me that you think that being sorry about everything and growing up a little changes anything. It doesn't. Not even close to changing. I don't know, our relationship that we had didn't make any sense and it still doesn't. I'm a bit better off now and everyone can think that I'm a bitch for doing me while you're sad, I guess. But honestly, who the fuck cares about their opinions? Half of those who gives a shit don't even know my side of the story and you can never ever tell it because you never understood who the fuck I was and what the fuck I really needed when I was with you. And of course, you aren't me to even tell my side of the story. I do miss you though, I won't deny that here or to anyone who ever asks me. I miss the idea we built and that feeling you gave me the first two weeks of getting to know eachother because noone ever made me feel that way. But it's a first for everything and we all learn. I don't if anything I'm writing makes sense. But I know this, makes sense to me. If anyone would have a heart to heart conversation about this, they would know everything and how much I loved you. It's just really crazy how things change. How were strangers just like how we started. The thing that bothers me the most is that your aura bothers me even more than ever now because it's so negative. But I want you to know, that I don't hate you for the heartbreak you gave me, instead I wish you the best and happiness your way. We are so much better off not interacting with eachother and you'll see after a couple of months from now or whenever you meet someone else. Just pay attention A LOT more to her feelings than  hating everything. I've learned a lot that's for sure and I'm not extremely happy but I'm alright and I know I will be for a long time. Eventually I'll be happy as fuck again. I love my life and everyone who is in it so I know that would not be a problem. Meeting lovely new people, going out there and going to places would help a lot. Focusing on myself is best for now and smiling even if it's fake smiles. I don't want to frown anymore when I'm alone. I hate it. I want to embrace every emotion I have in a positive way. I don't know. Sometimes I wish things didn't have to be this way because we had a nice thing going but things happened and we grow up out of what we once felt.

Since my facebook isn't working for some weird reason, I guess I'll be blogging. I have to say that I love random days like this. Meeting up with a friend really random  and getting some sushi. This wasn't today but it was a a week ago or so. I love spending time with him. We met eachother in freshman year but we recently started hanging out a lot. His company is pretty sweet too. He is such a great friend and I'm thankful for his friendship. Although I'm talking about him like there's a picture of him on this post but we will be taking pictures again when we meet again. I just felt like ranting about him.

I feel like I'm wasting my time when I get on the laptop and stay on for more than an hour. Tomorrow I'm going into the payless near my house and I'm going to ask if they're hiring. There's so much things I need to pay off first and then buy the things I want. I spent today on the laptop doing math things and just browsing. I feel utterly boring with my life right this moment. So I'm hoping that changes real soon. Well it's going too. One of the things that I'm happy about is, that I'm starting to do things that I want without explaining myself. Because I no longer what to live by "doing things because it's right or that I should", I'm doing things because I want too and it makes me happy. I feel like if I live by that, things will fall into it's place especially emotionally wise and mentally wise. I'm really doing okay now. Yes, I get lonely but only because I know how it feels to not be lonely.

Waiting is wasting time for people like me.

It's beautiful outside.

Hi

Today was so beautiful and the weather made everything so much better. I didn't want to go home. Me and Johanna started prom shopping today and we both have a semi idea on what we both want. I can't wait until everything falls into place.

I can never focus. It takes hours and hours to finish an essay. A stupid fucking essay. I need bud.

Too much fucking games, too much fucking games.

It only makes me miss you more when you don't come back to me after you confess to me.

So I went to get sea salt for my nose piercing and while I was walking home I ran into my two cousins Robert and Ashley. We ended up eating at some new healthy place they opened around my house, this summer that just passed and it was pretty good. I'll be going there more often. Plus they have some great smoothies there. :) After that we went to go for a walk and visit the YMCA that also opened near my house, we got a tour of it and me and Ashley are thinking about joining it. But running into them so randomly and then eating and catching up felt pretty good. I needed it.<3

# But now another essay to freaking work on.

We can't help but cry inside, even if we are all happy.

It feels accomplishing to be the one that makes yourself feel beautiful and great without anyone's help. But sometimes you get tired of it, well not necessarily tired but in the sense of that it'll feel better if someone made you feel beautiful and great without even trying. And in the sense that you want someone else to make you feel that way without expecting it is comforting. There's two different kinds of people in this world. One that, knows what affection is and yearns for it. The other that doesn't know what affection is and still yearns for it.

I want a photoshoot real soon.

I'm not one to shoot subliminal messages in hopes that someone will catch it, if I have a problem, I will addresses it. So telling me that you "thought" I was mad without any conformation is bullshit. People need to stop playing games.

None of them get my sex, none of them move my intellect.

LOL, to the bitches who judge with half a story.

And LMFAO, deleting me on facebook DOES not delete me in real life.

HOLY FUCK, THIS MONSTER WAS A BAD IDEA.

$$$$$$

I had a great time with my family today. Unexpectedly I did, honestly. But I think that's what makes it so much better. I really connect with one of my younger cousins and she's like 12. One of these days, I'm going to show her around and take her to sweet places to eat. I know she'll like it. Anyway, my family is quite lovely. I love being around them. It's so calming and fun. I need to get better on my Spanish though so I can interact with everyone more. But they left a while ago and now I am drinking a monster and about to start on this essay that I put away for way to long. So LET's focus.

As slick as you think you are, the more cocky you get, the more you slip, the more I end up knowing.

Sunday Sunday Sunday

I'm currently sitting down on my couch in the living room about to get up and start cleaning since majority of my mom's side of the family is coming over. I still have my essay to do. So I'm hoping they don't stay here for to long but knowing them they would stay here long. If so, I'm breaking night. One more week until spring break, so I'm going to all my classes.

There's something wrong with me, officially. I met a guy not to long ago and he is such a handsome, charming, sweetheart and he's a badass too. He gives me attention that I should be wanting, spoils me and already treats me like I'm important to him. But yet, I don't want him at all meanwhile he basically has everything I want in someone but never found it and I just don't want him and I'm talking boyfriend material because I can work with just messing with him for a while but not to the point that he gets attach. Maybe, it's the fact that he's to smooth with his words and flirts with other girls is what turns me completely off.

Blood in and Blood out is a great and intense movie that I really loved watching. I'm not even Mexican and my pride was off the walls like if I was mexican. A movie that everyone should watch.

There's nothing worse than knowing you had a good day and knowing that will change as soon as you get home. It makes you feel shitty, because why does anyone need to go to a home that you're not even happy in. As soon as you walk inside the house, all you get is a nag. I'm not 12 anymore and I'm sure hell not 21 but I'm 18 and when I'm around the corner from home watching a movie in my friends house, cut the nagging. I'm right there. I'm glad that my parents care but fuck, let me breathe. Trust me, you do not want me to become a rebel. Let me live.

Wo0p

I had a great day today. I really needed it. I met up with Noeli on 14th street in Forever 21, helped her pick out the cutest heels ever to go with her dress which she'll be wearing to party tonight. ;] After a good half hour, our other friend Liz came and we went to Noeli's job Rickey's to find out information for me. Then we walked around, talked shit and ate subways. Noeli had to go home and get ready so me and Liz went back to Forever 21, H&M and Urban Outfitters to do some shopping, and we walked around some more and talked more shit. It was lovely and so was the weather. Now I have to start this 3 typed up pages for english. Let's see how that goes. By the way, I just got accepted to Laguardia and Queens borough today.

YOU KNEW EXACTLY WHAT YOU HAD, YOU JUST THOUGHT YOU'D NEVER LOSE IT.

Today is not my morning. I feel so tired and I'm already tired of being tired all the time no matter how much sleep I get. It's annoying. I want to stay home and sleep in all day. I can't quite do that though and everyone I know who has a free crib, I dont want to be with them.

We dream to live. We dream to die.

Some people think that just because they know a little about me, they have the whole package down. I mean I'm only talking about some people because hey who the fuck wants to be generalize? Noone. But moving the fuck on, just because you know a little about me doesn't mean you know who I am, where I come from, why I do the things I do, and why I say the things I say. You don't know me. You can know me a little or maybe you can say that you know me well but fuck, you do not have the balls to say that you know who the fuck I am and why the fuck you know why I do things the way I do it and expect it to have some meaning. Some people's opinions should be kept to themselves because this rant is what comes out of it. I'm a friendly and single person so I don't need anyone to tell me what's right and what's wrong or who deserves my attention and who doesn't. It's all about doing what your heart wants, fuck you only live once. Why do people have to nag about shit like this? Leave me alone with that.

I don't have time to play games. I'm already stressing about school. I need to smoke and dance just for one night, go all out. Get my head back in the game. Forget about everyone and focus on myself. I have to get the fuck out of Bowne. I have to set up an interview for Rickey's on friday or monday. WOOP, WOOP! I got this.

I literally woke up and told myself  why is it that no matter how much sleep I get I'm still stuck with ugly bags? and then I went right back to sleep. I think I woke up to go and pee. But today's sunday and I do the usual. Clean, download songs for the week, check if I have any homework and relax. I stood up to 9 yesterday and saw the sun rise with one of my friends. I felt so lonely last night but I was being delusional  because I was sleepy as fuck but my brain just wasn't restless. But while I was talking to my friend he told me that most of the time I  sound like I'm high. I didn't know whether to say thank you or not, but I did anyway. He also told me that I'm always talking about beautiful free spirit things and that melted my heart.

I got accepted to BMCC!

I applied to Rickey's and I'm crossing my fingers that I get it. I have a great feeling about this so I'm hoping for the best. I really need a job too. Well I don't need it, I want it. I want my own money again. I hate nagging to my parents for it. I need to start saving too.

I've been really picky now a days when it comes to guys. Like once they grab my interest and have it, they do something so stupid and careless and it makes me take two steps back. This is all new to me because before I would just keep going and not pay mind to what bothered me because of those careless things they would do. But eventually those things would become a problem to our relationship because they would keep on doing those things. I like this though, it keeps me more in tune on how they really are and if I actually want more then just a fling with them. I should of paid more attention before with you but I'm living and learning. People are flaw, I know that. But sometimes, I just don't like dealing with those flaw characteristics when it's not needed, when things can get cleared up with being simple. I'm not blending my back for anyone any more. If my personality can't balance anyone else's, then I'll just wait. No need to rush anyway. I'm young. You're young. We are all young.