Writing out the last post and reading everything all over makes me feel good because i had a great year with beautiful and wonderful people and now i'm ready to let go of 2010 and start over and embrace everything my life has to offer with open arms and mind.

Farewell 2010, you've been a hell of a year.

I have no clue where to start, where to dig to start this post. I guess i'll start off with the things that were bad about this year, so i can get that out of the way. The drama that crawled out of everyone's mouth when everyone found out that me and Dylan startled to have a relationship, the one friend who i thought was going to stick around showed me her true colors and i'm happy that friendship ended as quickly as it did because no one wants something negative like that in their life, the problems that had to be dealt with because when you care about someone you want to work things out no matter what the situation is, the stress of applying to college and staying on top of your grades when all you want to do is stay home and sleep, the tiny bit of depression that i swelled into in the middle of the year. But all in all, through the bad events of this year, i've learned a lot. And i'm not just saying that to say it, i really have. I learned some layers of myself that i never knew existed and i also let new layers form in making me a happier, positive and stronger minded person. The good things, of course weigh out the bad and i'm happy that it does. I'm happy that i've spent this year with great memories and there's one more coming which is tonight's party. I've experience a lot as well through out this year and some are to personal to post on this blog. Meeting Animal Collective this year was probably the cherry on top of everything that did happen. I like how my friendship with Cadet has grown and it will keep growing because our personalities blend well. My relationship with my mother has come to a better understanding of each other. Ahhh, i also loved how i got to experience banana muffins. So damn good. I'll never forget those people who made me feel on top of the world when i needed too. One thing that i'll always be glad about is the relationship me and Dylan had and is still forming. Every day after school we'll spend time with each other, talking, eating and watching anime. Those are days to live for. Getting my first job this year was pretty sweet too, since i've already learned a lot. But i already want a new job and i'm already looking into that. This year has made me smile and laugh about more than i thought i was able to do so. Watching movies until morning was one of my favourite things of this year. This beautiful snow has made everything more beautiful and cold. Also this year has taught me how to deal with certain things as well.  2010 has been a great year and tonight, i will make sure it has a great celebration that it deserves. Dylan is coming over in a little bit because we want to see each other before the new year and he'll finally meet my dad. I can't tell you guys, how i'm going to be next year or how things are going to unfold but i know that i can't wait to see how things will be. And besides, as soon as it hits January 1, that makes two more months until my damn birthday. A head start cheer to 2011.

So i just finished Dexter disc 1 Season 3 and when i finished episode three , i then realized it came with just three episodes. I now, i have to return this Disc back and wait impatiently for Disc 2 that comes with four episodes. WHY IS NETFLIX TEASING ME LIKE THIS? I don't like it at all. Oh dear not. Well now, i'm just listening to The Smiths and thinking about how i want a sweater with the number 3 on it because it's my favourite number. I can't sleep so late today because i have a long day ahead of me and hopefully all goes well. New Years Eve is tomorrow and ah, i can already taste the freshness of it. I don't care where i am at, i am going to dance, drink the night away and be with people whom i love.

Dexter is in my life again, and i am dedicated all over.

I want some icecream sandwiches! NOM! I'm getting some after i get off of work. NOMNOM!

I just finished watching another film which Audrey Tautou played in. The film was also in French and it's called, He loves me, He loves me not. I adore her. I think she's so cute. The next movie i'm going to watch is Priceless, she also plays in this too. :] Tonight, i'm up because i can't fall asleep, but not because i feel lonely. I'm glad it's not that tonight. I have work later on and i'm happy that i do. A chance to do something and be outside and interact with people.

Dylan's giving me the chance to pick out one or more out of these lovely masks he found in his attic.

I'm getting the first and fourth one. <333

I really have to pee right now. Why must my brother take forever showers? And why must the second bathroom be forever far?!!!!!!!!!!$#%#@ Ugh, and i'm munching on apple jacks nao making me thirsty and making me think about drinking orange juice which makes me think about how i need to pee really bad. GRRR

Hey guys, i just bought this bag. :]

Hopefully it gets to me as soon as possible. <3

We can't promise anything because life happens and it gets in the way of those promises.

These winds make me feel alone. Everyone is sleeping and maybe i should too. But i don't want too. I never do. And i don't know why. Wait, i actually do know why, i'm just to lazy to backspace now and delete what i just wrote about not knowing why i can't sleep. I rather sleep in the daylight because that is when i feel safe and less lonely. I dream about forgetting the past and being happy with you but it's hard because i'm in pieces and you don't know that yet. You will though, after you read this post. I want that March feeling to last. Why does that happen to relationships? When they hit bumps on the road, they lose the spark they once had. I don't understand. I don't want to understand either. I just want to stop feeling lonely.

It's the worse when your emotions get all tangled up with what you know is right.

I finished watching Happenstance like a couple of hours ago and so far that i've noticed is that French movies are quite weird, but it's those movies you don't want to stop watching because you need to know what the hell is going to happen at the ending. Ah, i'm really hungry and not sleeping. Tacobell sounds really yummy right now. There's a bus stuck in front of my house because the roads are that bad. And the winds sound pretty creepy. I'm not with it.


Other than that, tonight has made me feel like i don't want to know what i really need in life, i just want to live and be happy and know what's right and what's wrong for me and be loved.

Show me that you miss me. I rather embrace the actions of this feeling. Oh baby, show me that you miss me and don't ever tell me.

I just finished watching a movie called According to Greta, it was cute. :]
Now i'm off to watch this documentary of Ballerinas and then to re-watch one of my favourite movies, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and then some FMA to end my night with this lovely yet happening snow storm.
But this will all start happening after i sing a few songs from The Smiths. <3

The Smiths, forever in my heart.

So for once in my life
Let me get what I want
Lord knows, it would be the first time
Lord knows, it would be the first time

I don't think it's possible to tell someone that they already know everything about them. Everyone has so many depth of  layers explaining why they are the way they are. I also, think it's impossible to get bored of getting to know someone because quite frankly, everyone's always changing, new stories add into their memories every day even if it's a short story and i feel like there's always something new to learn about someone. You can get bored of someone because of the things you guys do together or because of characteristics of theirs that doesn't mend well with yours but getting to know them? Never. As i said before, i love getting to know people, gives me a better taste in humanity. So i rather never hear, "There's not much to say, you already know everything about me." Because it's not true.

I love that i woke up to a snow storm. <3 It makes me really happy. Hopefully this doesn't affect any plans for this week. I can't wait to make snow angels. But how was my sleep? That's one thing i hate the utmost, dreaming about my past is worse than any other nightmare i can possibly have. No one ever wants to be reminded of the past that still haunts them and is trying to be forgotten. Anyway, i'm really in the mood for some potatoes with shrimp or grilled chicken. nom*

Since this is my 300th post, it should go to something that i love;

I fell apart in your arms
for the last time
And I felt free to do what I want
because of the things you told me
because of the things you told me, you told me
I felt free

I felt free

I will learn to live again for now I’m breaking
all the things I couldn't mend without escaping
I will learn to love again
I will learn to love
I will learn

I'm going to watch Fullmetal Alchemist for the rest of the night. <3 I also found a couple of cute shoes on ebay that i am going to buy. But after going back to soho to get two pairs of boots i saw. I just can't stop, haha. Once a girl falls in love with shoes, there's no going back.

When i leave this planet, i want people to miss me terribly,

To keep me a live.

What i'm currently listening too.

I miss having sushi and miso soup. I should get that pretty soon. Three California rolls awaits me.

I want some coffee. Want to know why? Because that's the only real time i'll say whatever the hell i feel like saying because i'm too hyper to bite my tongue and stay shut. Well drinking coffee isn't the only thing that makes me do this, like when i don't sleep at all and or when someone is just getting really annoying. I'll tell them. I'm never the type to tell someone how i truly feel because i can honestly say i live by " if you have nothing nice to say, don't say it at all." Which i concur and i think more people should live by it because well damn, we will live in more of a better world, even if it changes a little. I don't where i'm going with this but i felt like writing. And the reason why i want some coffee is because i like talking. I like telling people what's on my mind, my dreams and what i  believe in. Yes, those are the conversations i like. When someone questions about my beliefs just so i can talk about it and to show them were i stand. I like that a lot. I like it when someone tries to find out about what kind of person i am and what kind of things i been through to be the person i am today. I think that's really interesting. There's so many different kinds of people out there. And i can bet they're all beautiful in their own way. Talking about different kinds of people, i've been thinking about how i really want to go to Spain. I know i've said this before but i can't wait until i go. Whether it's with someone or not, i'm going. Company would always be nice, but i am not depending on that. One thing i also want to do before i settle in with family or husband. I want to room-mate with different kinds of people, let it be all at once or one by one. I just want that. I want to experience things like that before i settle down. I want to be able to tell myself that i've been there and be happy about it.

Sometimes you have to be a bitch to get things done.

— Madonna

3 months and 14 days until i turn 18. :D

Get ready.

I finished watching Bonjour Monsieur Shlmoi a long time ago and i watched Mojave Moon and finished that too. I can't sleep and now i'm looking for another movie to watch and more songs to download. Mhm, that is what my break is going to be about, breaking night watching movies and singing, going to work and seeing those whom i care about. <3

30 Seconds To Mars Hurricane Offical Uncensored Uncut Video 2010 in HD

Pretty interesting.

My favourite scarf. <3

Christmas Eve went beyond what i expected. I didn't really spend time with my family because i was completely drunk and not feeling to well. But i received a cute mouse with pink diamonds on it for my laptop and a necklace. But everyone seemed happy and knowing that makes me happy. So, i guess all in all, it was an okay Christmas Eve. Today, i haven't done much just slept and startled watching a movie named Bonjour Monsieur Shlmoi  and so far it's an okay movie. I'm half way through with it. If you haven't watched Life is Hot in CrackTown, i suggest that you do. Merry Christmas. 


There's going to be a snowstorm and guess who's excited? :D

I can't believe it's already Christmas. Time goes by too quickly. Soon enough, it'd be New Years. Yesterday i went shopping with Johanna and i finally bought something for Dylan, sister and my mom. Now, i just have my brother, who will buy something online. My dad doesn't want anything, he rather me save my money. Also, when me and Johanna were walking among 14st, this psychic shouted out that she had to ask me a question, so i went to her and she told me that i had a strong aura along with positive energy and that i shouldn't let negative energy ruin it like i have been. She also said that i should get off the emotional roller coaster i'm in and to go with the flow because i love deeply and not lightly and sometimes it's not good for me. It creep the hell out of me because it's quite true. After that, we ran into Benjamin and we all had a good time. Later on, i'm going to be with a whole bunch of family and it's going to be great. <3 I love being around so much love.


One thing i loved about myself today:
The way i feel when i have a dress on and heels. I feel like i have the whole world in the middle of my palm. 

~What i wore for Christmas eve.

Macy Gray - Beauty In The World

This world needs more happy music like this.

So good to one's soul.

I love my life and I love everyone in it.

I mean everyone.

I can't believe i haven't slept since Sunday night and i'm not sleepy. Yesterday after i saw the Lunar Eclipse, me and Johanna stood on the phone for 2 and a half hours talking so much shit, about food and about life. <3Perhaps after i take a shower i'll knock out but as of now, i'm wide awake with so much energy. I don't know why it works that way with me. Every time i don't sleep or run on a 2 hour sleep, i have all the energy to do things. The people i was around today even said it. I like who i am when i'm restless, i talk more and i do the things i want to do. Like today in volleyball, i was dancing and running everywhere for the ball. And plus, i talk a lot when i'm like this too. Anyway, work today was a such a drag because i was bored i wanted to knock the hell out on the floor and sleep while i was fixing things. Time went by way to slow and as soon as i was almost leaving, my boss gives me a job to do.-_- The brighter side is that Killers finally came from Netflix and my scarf from Forever21. <3 Today was a great day at school. Me and Johanna kept on laughing for the silliest things ever.


One Two things i loved about myself today:
The great mood i was in and how every thought was splattered into everyone's plate.

There's so much beauty in the world. Beauty in the world.

I just came back from being outside of my window and all i have to say is my first experience of the Lunar Eclipse was so fucking beautiful. God, i just wanted to wrap my arms around it and embrace the damn beauty of it. I'm really glad i stood up to watch this. I wish my camera was a lot better but everything was just right. Happy first day of winter as well.

It's more than annoying when someone tells me that I've changed and especially people who barely know me from the start. Who the hell are you to tell me that I've changed? But regardless, i still find it annoying from whom ever it's from. I am the only damn person who has all the authority to say that I've changed or am changing. Just because i am not the same with you, does NOT mean that I've changed as a person, i just changed with you.

Today i didn't go to school and i just stayed at Dylan's house watching movies, sleeping and eating. The story of our lives, haha <3 I can't wait for tonight's lunar eclipse which i'll see on my roof at 2:45 am. :] I don't care if i'm so tired to get up for school. So anyway, today i watched Precious and  One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest. Precious was a really powerful movie and i liked it. I cried a couple of times too. One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest was okay, i felt like a lot of details were missing but nonetheless, i also liked it. Overall, today was pleasant. And i watched Raising Victor Vargas as well with my sister when i came home and that was a great movie too. :]

One thing i loved about myself today:
The way i walked with confidence. 

This week coming up, i'm going to write one thing that i love about myself along with a post of the day.

I went shopping with my sister's boyfriend to get her gifts. I decided to go to Roosevelt Field Mall with him because my sister barely knows anything that's in there, so she wouldn't be able to think to herself  "oh, i saw this the other day" or anything upon that. So he bought her a watch, a pair of boots and a bag with the help of mine of course. We did this all in three and a half hours because we really wanted to make sure she was going to love it. The hardest thing to find was the boots, because we wanted to find boots that she would wear everyday or often. Anyway, after all that we ate some chicken with fried rice and a strawberry smoothie. So good by the way. I'm going back there to shop for myself sometime soon because there's a lot of cute things there. :] I came back home and finished the movie i was watching and bought a pair of sperry looking boots on ebay. Tomorrow, i have to find a belt for my mom since she wants one for her outfit that she will be wearing on christmas.


One thing i loved about myself today:
The way my chin makes a whole much of wrinkles because of the weird and cute faces i do while i'm mouth washing.

[HQ] Amélie Original Trailer [English Subtitles!]

I just finished watching this movie Amelie and it was so weird and so cute.

And of course, i fell in love with it.
French movies are interesting. I shall watch more.

Recommended to watch, indeed.

Pound Cake Baby* Cake :]

Beatles - She Loves You

My soul adore this.

All you need is love. Love is all you need.

I'm having a good day today. Are you? I hope so:]

I did some christmas shopping and i bought some things for myself as well. A pair of jeans, two shirts and tights. After shopping i went to work for three hours and now i'm home with my cousin Steven and brother.

I'm currently downloading songs from The Beatles and i feel like i'm floating.

Coldplay - What If

What if there was no light

Nothing wrong, nothing right

What if there was no time?

And no reason or rhyme?

What if you should decide

That you don't want me there by your side

That you don't want me there in your life.

What if i got it wrong?

And no poem or song

Could put right what I got wrong

Or make you feel I belong

What if you should decide

That you don't want me there by your side

That you don't want me there in your life

Every step that you take

Could be your biggest mistake

It could bend or break

But that's the risk that you take

What if you should decide

That you don't want me there in your life

That you don't want me there by your side.

I really miss the way we were. We were actually happy. We barely had any fights and when we did, it would be forgotten in less than an hour. Remember that? I miss how everyday after school we would go and order some Chinese food and watch anime until i had to leave. Remember that too? I miss how we use to lay down and just talk and those random pictures you would take of me looking down. I miss the dreams we once shared.  I miss feeling butterflies. Remember when i told you that's how you caught my heart because of those two straight weeks of butterflies? I really miss us. I miss everything about us, not just these things. I miss you the most  though, i miss how everything felt so meaningful even the looks you would give me and when you would hold my hand really tight when i was mad so i won't let go. Remember Dylan?  I miss how it was just us, not anyone else or lies. I miss being able to naturally trust you. I miss feeling like the queen you treated me to be or all the silly nicknames you would give me. I miss how we loved each other's flaws and embraced it.  Now i'm crying because where the hell did we go?

I got all my sweet things from ebay a couple of days ago. <3 And now i'm still waiting for a dress, a bag and a floral wallet. Here's a glimpse of what i got:

I'm in love with the red piece the most.

So i woke up not to long ago because while i was sleeping i heard the door open and make sounds. This translated  into my dreams "who the fuck is that? my sister isn't even here. Let me get ready and take action." WHAT? i literately said that.-_- Anyway, i woke up to 17 messages because someone thought i died since we were having a conversation and i just stopped writing within a minute, it's called knocking the hell out-_- I was really sleepy today. I have no idea what to do right now since everyone is sleeping but one person and we're just chatting about nothing and barely. All i'm thinking about is how 2010 is almost ending and every time i think about that my heart skips a beat. A whole year passed by and i wasn't even aware of it, or at least i didn't want to be. 2011 is going to be a year that i shall embrace, that i shall know each day has happened with something new and interesting. It has to be. It can't be like this year where everything went by so fast and i'm shocked because it is because i did not do as much as i said i was going to do. But all in all, i'm really hungry right now and honestly, despite all the shit we are going through, i still miss you. Later on today, i'm going Christmas shopping with my mom and then work.

I use to love the fact that i had so much kittens around my backyard and how they would come every night of the summer and meow for food but now it's just constantly meowing and crying. I understand it's really cold and i hate listening to them be in pain but i can't bring them all into my house, even though i would love it but i just can't. And i wish they didn't have to fight with each other because once again i can't do anything about it. I wish my mom would let them all inside my basement. <3 Besides all that, i deleted an essay i was working on because at that time i was in the "i don't give a fuck" phase but now going to that class and having him to talk to those who didn't do the essay, which was me of course, i felt bad for deleting that essay because it seem like he wanted it. But i'm really tired to start a new one.  My head is just bothering me. I wouldn't call it a headache though. I also got my paycheck today and i wish the amount they were paying me was a bit more but eh, whatever. I have to start somewhere. The online things i bought are taking forever to come to me, so i'm a bit off on buying things from online. It just feels different wasting money that you worked for on things you'll grow out of in a couple of months.

Me right now, because i don't want to go to sleeep.

I know that you're that guy, that i'm always going to love.

Good Morning Good Feeling

I love that i woke up to snow on the ground, even if it's just a little bit. I still love it. Snow makes me so happy. It puts me in such a great mood because it reminds me that Christmas is on it's way. Christmas might just be my favourite holiday. I feel good today.

There's a story behind every person. There's a reason why they're the way they are. They aren't just like that because they want to. Something in the past created them, and sometimes it's impossible to fix them.

I seriously tease the shit out of myself when i go online shopping. There's so many cute things i've found and that i, of course, will eventually get. But damn. I never knew i would be so caught up in stuff like this. But i need change and i need to start dressing with the fashion sense that i've always wanted to because new clothes bring more confident and i need that boost once in a while. So far, since i haven't receive my paycheck, i bought a circle scarf from Forever21, it's pretty cute and i can't wait for it, along with the things from ebay which are, of course taking years to come to me.

Jens Lekman - Your Arms Around Me - Accoustic ukulele

No one can come to any level of understanding on how much i use to sing this song on a daily basis and how much it means to me.

Zion I - Bird's Eye View

I love that it's snowing.

It makes my day slightly better.

As soon as i think things are going great for us, i'm horribly wrong.

You are now looking at someone who has their own Netflix Account. :D

And someone who is saving for an apartment.
I have a week and half left until my break starts.
I have to buy my gifts this week or next week.

The things i am afraid of are the things that make me feel real.

Hey guys, I'm sleepy.

One thing that i adore about Sundays is food shopping. I'm not to sure why but i just love it. I love picking the food i like and that everyone else likes and buying it. Food shopping makes me feel sort of like a mother and that makes me feel like i'm taking care of people and i love that feeling. I love when you take care of someone, they eventually feel better and then they become happy. And seeing people happy because of the things i did makes me happy.

Out of all the pictures we took today at Coldstone, i found this to be the cutest of them all. <3

I'm looking forward to keep looking forward.

Tomorrow is a big day for me and i can't wait to see how i do. I need to bring some water and candy with me so i can be hyper enough to the point that i won't get nervous or shy or anything of that sort when i ask for information and or speak. But before all that takes place, i am going to hang out with Dylan for a couple of hours and we are going to BestBuy really quick to check out this new phone that i want which is a Motorola Bravo. It's really cute and it's touch screen. This Wednesday coming up, i will be getting paid a lot more than what i got before. I've been dying to get some canvas and art supplies so that needs to be in my hands pretty soon. After i paint a few things, i'm going to rearrange my room and probably re-paint it again. I'm a lot less stressful because i got the application for CUNY all done. I applied to:
- Queens College
- Hunter College
- Brauch College
- QueensBorough College
- Borough of Manhattan Community College
- Laguardia Community College

In all honestly, i really just want to get into Queens College.

I want my smile to be your favourite kind of smile.

Today has been such a great day. I haven't had a day like this in a long time and it feels so good. Also i had a quite a blast at work, i'm getting along pretty well with everyone there and Janiery. Did i tell you guys? She has the same name as me, it's just spelled differently and she's dominican too haha :D We have other things in common as well but that's another story. I can't wait to have my own shift on Saturday where i'm working on my own at the cashier! WOOP AH, yesterday me and Dylan made 9months and it was nice. Mhm, we ate food and drank a little bit. I am really proud of myself because i've been going to all my classes early and all. :] Ou, and my report card average was a 81. :]

Tehe

Oh John Lennon, why haven't i melted in your songs a lot sooner?

<33

Overall, today was a pretty decent day, despite some of the things that really got on my nerves.  Anyway, tomorrow i am getting my very first pay check. I can't wait. As soon as i get that, it's going straight to my debt card and then travel back to Dylan and eat at a buffet for dinner to celebrate our 9 months. I'm going to wear this pretty black dress with gold on it. Ah, Saturday will be my first day at the cashier for four hours straight,5 to 9, i'm sure i'll be able to do it but i'm pretty nervous and excited. BUAH! i feel like exploding with this emotions. I also trimmed my bangs not to long ago. Soon enough i'll buy an iphone for myself. <3

Having money that you earned feels so good.

Because he wanted to take a picture.

I just wanted to say that it's suppose to snow later on today and tomorrow. <3
I can't wait.
I love snow so much.
It gets me more excited for Christmas.
Two and a half more weeks until my break and Christmas. Whoop Whoop!
And then New Years.
Oh man! (;
I really need to buy more winter clothes.
And get that coat i saw in Old Navy. So cutee.
Oh and i'm almost done with my essay.

Baby bagels with cream cheese is yummy. <3

What am i doing this Sunday?

The usual. Cleaning my room, cleaning the bathtubs, missing him, going food shopping with my mom and doing homework. Cleaning my room makes me want to re-decorate it. But i'm just not sure where i should put things to make it look really welcoming and nice. I also want to buy more things so i can hang it up on my wall. But i will do all of this after Christmas so i can be able to save some pay checks.  I really want to spend Christmas with him and New Years. I have to do an essay for my government and i will actually do it because i have to start going to his class and doing his homework. Not that i'm not passing but i want a higher grade.

Today made me feel a lot closer to you.

I like pictures that show my birth mark on my right shoulder and my collar bones.

Katy Perry - Firework

I can't stop playing this song over and over on my itunes.

I came back from work not to long ago. And now that i'm working, i feel a bit better with life. I'm not attached to my phone for three hours and that's new to me. But it all feels great. I feel so focused on the things i'm thinking of or doing at the moment at  my job. Today i've been thinking about what to buy Dylan for Christmas and i think i finally got an idea, i hope he likes it. I'm really going to try to buy the people who are really close to me Christmas gifts this year. But yes, everyone at my job is nice and understanding with me. I found out today that they can put your checks into your debt cards or etc and that's awesome because no tax is taken away. So that means more money. :] Tomorrow i have SATs at 8 in the morning and that will take 4 hours of my life and then i will be going to the bank with sister to finally get a debt card and pay things off on ebay and start saving money. I am going to try to see Dylan after all that because i might work on monday and i haven't really spent any real time with him without being rushed because of me being at work at a certain time. So i hope all goes well tomorrow for me and everyone else.

I might watch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind tonight and then go to sleep and start off my day from then on. 

I can tell you one thing, i'm taking baby steps on getting myself back. I felt it today. It was a small step. But i felt like myself when i took that step. This will all lead into happiness and take me from this dark phase i'm having.

I really hope now that i am dealing with consumers on the cashier and having to speak on the phone with them, some shyness of mine will be melted away.

I need a break.