I can't believe tomorrow will be November. The past two months has gone by way to fast. We are already near thanksgiving! Cheers! I love thanksgiving. The food, the warmth of being together with the ones you love and the load of pictures taken. It just feel really nice. Well today i went to the supermarket with my mother and sister. While we were taking the things we needed, i startled to watch all the little trick or treaters, it was so adorable. It made me want to have a kid so i can be able to dress them up into cute little characters of their favourite shows. I was completely in awe. Watching them made me miss being a kid. They were so happy.

I wish i dressed up and party. But i have next year to do so. So yay!!!

I really like the way this picture came out.
No edits.

Happy Halloween!

I'm going to stay home today and watch movies. Bettle Juice, Casper, Never been kissed, Breakfast Club and anything that comes along the way of that. I'm looking forward to this. I know i'm suppose to be watching scary movies but i'm a big sore loser when it comes to that. Nonetheless, i'm starting to feel much better. You see? I told you i'll be alright.


I hope everyone has a great halloween.

One thing that i did forget to mention was that yesterday's morning went pretty sweet. Being around a lot of people who were happy and smiling made me happy. We had a Senior Weiner with the seniors, of course and then we took the roof picture. We did a JB this year and you have no idea how happy it makes me that it was my idea. It went pretty well and i can't wait to see it on the yearbook. Being in the yearbook staff rocks. Anyway, I had a great time at Applebee's as well. The food was just so tasty. Catching up with Johanna felt really nice since we haven't done that in such a long time. I can't wait to hang out with her more and eat at more places. (: Yesterday's morning and afternoon was just a win. Thank you.

One of the ways i find myself feeling better and moving on more quickly from what i am hurting over is forcing myself to look at pictures that hold good happy memories of us and think about all the good and bad stuff we ever committed to each other. And this is because, when this happens, i cry. Crying is a great deal of help. I'm going to have quite a handfull of wrinkles when i get old. Something that i can't change that hurts the utmost is that you aren't mine anymore. And i can't say that you are. And i miss saying that you are. I really do.

I didn't want to come here today. I don't feel like expressing myself. But i'm here, because i guess i need too. I know i am the way i am at the moment because of what's happening and i might not seem like myself because i'm hurting. But i'll be better than i was, soon. Or whenever. I want to sleep soon. I'm so tired. I just don't want to right now. I don't want to wake up knowing that none of this isn't going to be a dream.

Daily to do list;

Remind myself that i deserve to be happy.

I wish i can explain the emotions i feel at the moment. But my head just hurts. My throat is completely dry because i'm holding back tears. I need a shell. I want to write more. I want to feel better. I want this to not exist. I do not live by raw emotion, i'll tell you that. Judgements aren't important. So therefore, they shouldn't exist. It hurts people.  

That's not what i want to say. I don't know what should be said anymore. Everything is reminding me of you. And i wish it didnt. I wish you didn't say the things you said. I keep on going back to my email, like a fool. Hoping for something. I don't care, this is my journal and i'm going to watch anime until i stop crying. I can't believe you lied this whole time.

I strongly believe that our shadows dance while we sleep.

I don't like this. I hate fighting sleep.

I often think that i haven't changed much and that i'm not as happy as i think i am because of this or that. I often think of what use to haunt me.

But looking at my old blog and everything that belonged to me around that time, i changed drastically. Into everything i thought i couldn't be. You or no one will ever come to understand how accomplished i feel or how  much i actually improved. And i say this because i never let anyone in when i was dealing with the things i was at the moment because i didn't want to let anyone in.  I didn't think anyone was worth sharing my pain with. And plus, no one really sat down with me and asked me how i was doing? Everyone did think they knew what was going on. But they were wrong and they made everything worse because of their judgements. But that's all done and behind. I just know the people i knew back then, didn't really care. Nonetheless, i will always write a post about this subject. Why? Because of the improvement. My way of acting, My aura, My state of  mind, My beliefs, My views have completely changed. I've only kept a little of who i was and what was my interests on certain things. Even my old blog has a completely different aura than this one. And everytime i happen to come across it, like today, i feel so sorry for myself and what i allowed myself to go through.

Everything literally everything, has changed. Even the people. I'm happy though. Really happy. Although, i have my moments that i think i'm miserable, i'm still really happy. And in some sense, i use to think that i deserved every acute words and action that i've received.  Growing up and moving on from that time of my life, i've learned that i never did deserved it. I was to naive to come to that realization earlier.

The few people i have shared this story with, detail by detail, they always tell me that i should write a book about it and maybe i'll inspire someone. But i wouldn't know where to start.

So i got my report card today and i feel pretty okay with the grades i got. I got an 81 average, over all. It did shock me though. Not because i can't get that average, but because i really don't think i tried at all to get that grade. I cut to often. I'm not complaining though. This just shows me that my classes are easy and i can do so much better. Which i will. I want to improve my grade point average, so i'll be able to get into queens college without no problem. Lets leave that thought there. I'm more than happy, that i'm finally up to date on Naruto. It took way to long to get there. I startled Love Hina and it's a pretty cute anime. I won't watch anything today because i want a break from being glued to my laptop watching anime. It's in english, so that's a plus. Lets leave that thought here. I really want a day outside of school with friends. A whole bunch of them. Well at least a few. I don't care if i'm close to you or not. I just want a day with people who i can have a nice day with. I need it. My mental state needs it. Lets leave that thought here. I have't been feeling so good, i don't know what's really wrong though. Recently i've been feeling like throwing up and i constantly get these headaches out of no where and this tiredness that is sometimes unexplainable because i actually get a good night rest. I just want to feel better. Lets leave that thought here.

My new hat. :D
My brother bought it for me!

So i've been awake from 4:30am and i don't see myself going back to sleep to wake up at 6:20ish. The reason why i even woke up was to check the time, i would of gone back to sleep. BUT, my thoughts wandered into what Cadet had told me about a movie. I should of never let her continue with the story. -_- But i thought i was able to handle it. Since i never watched the movie, but no. I'm very wrong about that.

Today went so great.
I loved every part of it.
Today was full of laughers and hugs.
I live for days like today.

I feel that i am the prettiest when i am home, alone. Everything goes the way i want it, physically wise.

My hair is barely up into a bun.

And i like it, so i'm going out to the supermarket with my mum when she comes back from her errand.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FkHZ_O4R-qA

I'm listening to this at the moment and singing along with it.
I think this is so pretty.

When it comes to the moment, i like looking at my parents. I like looking at how much their aging and how the wrinkles look upon their faces. I like looking at how much white hair they have and imaging how much they will have through out the years. My dad has more than my mom. It makes sense since his older than her. I like looking at their mouth movements when they speak or yell or just when they aren't speaking at all. I like listening to them while they speak to me because to them, that means a lot.  I like believing that they will be there for me for the rest of my life. I like placing them at their seats at my wedding. I like looking at them when they are watching television. I like looking at how my dad crosses his legs when he falls asleep, unexceptionably on the couch. I like looking at how they are along their days. I like shopping with my mom or walking with her any place we go while we speak about anything and the same goes to my dad. I like that everytime me and my mom go shopping, we are sure to get some icecream while we walk home. They are my parents and i want to jot down all these things down and remember the details because they aren't going to be here forever. I'm afraid if i'll miss a detail some day. I love them a whole lot, despite their flaws. They love me, despite my flaws. And that my friend, is gold.

It feels nice to go to sleep early and wake up before any one else is awake. It feels calm like this and i really like it. I'm about to watch Naruto and i'm hungry but i'm too cold to actually get out of my bed and get something to eat. I did my nails yesterday and i'm completely in love with it, haha. Today will be a lovely Sunday. I know it.

Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me? Is that how the saying goes? Well let me elaborate on something real quick. I'm not a disposable thing. I am a person. And you will respect me and treat me as one. I'm tired of being peoples friends when it's convenient to them. When they have secrets that they can only tell me. When they don't have anyone else. I'm sorry. But it's not going to work that way. I won't be you're walking conscious of guilt and remorse. I will not be your last resort. I will not be that fake "i miss you". I will not just be that " happy birthday" while you go and write essays to your other "friends". I will not be that person who's around when you need them to be and not when you want them to be/


Because if you haven't noticed i don't need it. I'm very much surrounded by people who appreciate me. You can deal with your nonsense alone. Because that's how you'll end up. Alone.


Investing in the wrong relationships and ruining the ones that you really need.

This reminds me of summer nights

Breaking night, when i know that i have sleeping problems.

I can't believe i'm up watching Showgirls when i'm suppose to be sleeping. I am hungry though so i ate a yogurt. Tomorrow i am going to another Rite Aid with my dad to find out about a job and i will get that job. I believe it whole hearty. It feels really weird knowing that  my sister won't be coming home until sunday night because she's upstate, partying her ass away. It's probably one of the reasons why i am up because i don't feel safe. But that's alright, i like staying up and watching films. I had a great time yesterday with Dylan, it was simple like all the days but it was still nice. The film is almost finishing and i might watch Naruto next. Ouuuu.

No matter who i speak too, No matter who i think is attractive, No matter who i think of, No matter what i do, No matter what we go through, No matter if i come to hate you, No matter how many fights we get into, No matter if i don't want to speak to you. No matter none of these matters because at the end of the day, it's all about you. You become all i think about, you become the most attractive person i've ever encountered, you become everything i do, you become everything we go through, you become someone who i deeply love, you become someone who washes all the fights we had away, you become the last person i speak too, you become the last person i think about. I hope this becomes enough.

Tomorrow, i want to have a movie night. I really want to watch Showgirls.

I've seen it already, but i love re-watching films. I'm such an old lady.

I really want to have a camp fire with a group of friends.

Smoking, drinking, telling stories and secrets and eating marshmallows.

That's why it's better not to lie, so you won't have anything to keep track of and nothing will be holding you back.

It's something like this. If you want respect, portray it. Don't treat everyone and anyone like they need to give you respect when you have not portray the kind of respect you want, ever. You know? Sometimes i feel horrible  asking for money because i feel selfish for taking away money that you worked for but days like today are the days i stop feeling selfish. It's better off to spend it on me than some intoxication.

Despite the fact that i look like a total creep, i got the book from my library. Looking for Alaska by John Green will be read by me, really soon.

I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.I am happy.

I wonder if you really are doing okay or if you will be.

I've been having a good day and knowing that makes it a better day. After i finish The Secret, i'm going to a book store or the library to get this new book i feel upon today and seems interesting which is Looking for Alaska by John Green. I'm pretty happy that i'm falling into reading on my own again. It's been quite awhile since i've done that. So yay, for me. Wow and it's amazing to know that November is right there waiting to unfold for us. I can't wait for thanksgiving. I know that's going to be lovely.

You can begin right now to feel healthy. You can begin to feel prosperous. You can begin to feel the love that's surrounding you, even if it's not there. And what will happen is the universe will correspond to the nature of your song. The universe will correspond to the nature of that inner feeling and manifest, because that's the way you feel. - Michael Bernard Beckwith 

So what are you feeling now?

Negative thoughts can not exist any more. Conscious or unconscious  i will not think negative thoughts. I would not allow my thoughts to become negative. Negativity would only bring me negativity. I would only attract this if i am this. My negative thoughts will become weak starting now, right now this very moment while i type this up because they are weak. My positive thoughts are beyond more powerful than my negative thoughts. I will live on by positive thoughts. My positive thoughts will be what i attract and that will be positive things. I want to be happy, so i will be. I want to be less stress, so i will be. I'm going to change my classes no matter what, so it will happen. I'm going to do just great on my last two regents and my SATs, so i will score an decent score. I will be the law of attraction. What i think is what i will attract.


I'm reading this book The Secret and it shows me that my thoughts become things. Actual real things. If i want something i will get it. All depending on how powerful and dominant my thought are on it. I can not have anything ruining this thought because i will not get what i want. I haven't been so serious on something that i wanted to do for so long. So this will be it. People are always thinking, whether they know it or not, whether they can remember or not and whether they can explain what they are thinking. People are always thinking is the point. You are creating your life by your thoughts.

While reading this book, i know where i've gone wrong. I now, understand why my group of friends and the people in my life are half and half of being positive and negative. Because that is what i attracted. I was thinking positivity consciously and i was thinking negativity unconsciously. I'm telling you, from now my conscious and unconscious mind will only be flowing of positiveness. I have a great example that shows the law of attraction and it's the day i took my Global and History regent. I was so worked up on my Global one and i thought i wasn't going to pass. This was flowing in my mind the whole entire mind while i was taking it. This is why i failed it by five point. But you see, while i was taking the History regent, i was so confident and i knew i was going to pass it because i knew the material, i kept telling that to myself and that is what happened. I magically got a 79 on it. And i will be utterly honest, i guessed alot on the History regent because i was in a rush to get out of where i was and go to Dylan. So you see? If i thought more highly of myself while i was taking the Global regent, i could guarante you that i would of passed that regent with those five points i missed. But enough of the past, i will pass the two regents i have left and i will graduate on time.


I'm not talking nonsense, the law of attraction does exist whether we know about it or not. Remember, our life is being created by our thoughts this very second.

You see this picture right here? Well yes, my sister thinks it's utterly cute. Cute enough to be printed out and pinned onto her mirror along with other pictures. I really don't understand. But it makes me smile that she thinks so.

I blog quite alot.

After singing and listening to some songs, drinking half of my ginger ale, watching naruto, taking pictures of myself and browsing the web and the fact that i miss laying down with you, oddly made me feel better.

I felt so out of it today and i still do, thinking about it. I know what's wrong and i guess i might just know how to fix it. But i don't want to right now because i rather not think as i write this or think about fixing how i feel right now. The book that i'm reading for english today has really got me thinking. I read so much today and i'm probably ahead of the majority of the class, besides a selected few who finished the book first hand. But whatever, moving along, this book hasn't changed my state of mind and how i view things but it has opened another opinion for me. The main character in this book just goes with the flow of his daily routine, the things he needs to do in order to keep existing as in work and buy food and all that etc stuff. But he doesn't follow society, he tells the truth because he feels like there isn't any point of lying when at the end it will get you no where and the fact that he doesn't care much to even lie about anything. The reason why he is so careless and so causal with his life and everything that happens to him because everything in life is just pointless to him because everyone's going to die when their limit comes. The main character also thinks there's no point of asking questions because at the end of the day, those questions and answers won't matter to anyone anymore. But I feel like having that state of mind will just make you miserable and then the other half of me feels like this state of mind might just be the way to think. If you really think about it, this state of mind leads you into freedom. And who doesn't want that? Well enough on that matter, majority of today was so wack. I wish i slept the day away. I feel like i deal with to much emotions and thoughts for no reason. Grow some balls Janiri. I have to start making myself a priority. To start that off, i got what i wanted which was a ginger ale. This makes me happy. Indeed it does. 

People who eat together, are happy together.

Great Morning Guys

I hate when i wake up really earlier because i'm worried that i would be late to school but then i end up waiting until time goes by because i wake up that earlier and get ready that fast. I feel good today. I'm gonna have a good day today, i dont care what any says or does. I'll just laugh it off. Today needs to make up for yesterday's school day.

No matter how many mistakes you make in a relationship, friendship, any type of test, or anything you can think of, no one should ever take themselves to the bottom of the pit and tell themselves "i'm not good enough." It's not pretty. It fucks up with your mental state. Everyone makes mistakes and you just have to learn from them.

People who don't know what the fuck they're doing shouldn't stand in the way of people who do.

Thank you so much.

I can't wait to hang it up on my wall.

The sky always amazes me in every way possible. No human or No thing has compare to this amazement, yet. I was walking out of my room and when i saw the sunset colors out of my sister's window, i ran to the roof and gasp upon how beautiful it was. I stood there for a while and kept embracing the winds until i somehow felt brand new. I called boyfriend up to share this moment and it was just lovely. The sunset today beats all the sunsets i've ever seen. I wish i took a picture with my camera so i could of posted it but i took one on my camera and that's enough for me. I don't think any human can be more beautiful than the sky.

When you have nothing left
That's when you're the strongest.
You have nothing to lose
Fear cease to exist.

James and the Giant Peach

 

I just finished watching this movie and i fell in love with it all over again. This movie brings so much childhood memories. So guess who ate Ritz crackers throughout this whole movie? That's right! Me! Thanks to Dylan's friend, i able to use his netflix. Double Win. Next is The Ugly Truth.

"I love you baby, always and forever. Each moment with you, is just like a dream to me, that somehow came true "

So i cut my hair! Not much of a change, not that i see at least, but it feels amazing. <3
I'm about to head out to Angela's house to get my sweater and i have a great feeling that this kid is going to be there because of her text and if he is there, i'm punching him. Why? because he's always saying something, showing that he doesn't respect that i have a boyfriend. Boys like that, are utterly annoying.

I'm getting ready at the moment to go to the hair salon to cut my hair and then straighten it. I don't know if i'll go through it because i've been trying to grow out my hair for so long now and to have it cut off because the tips are annoying me is a bit crazy. So maybe i'll cut it and maybe not. We'll see. No, no, no, i'll see. I'm to scared and it's because my hair takes forever to grow, which sucks. Maybe if i cut it now and take better care of it, it'll grow faster. Gah, and then after i might meet up with Angela to get my damn sweater back. I can't believe she's making me go to her house. -__- But whatever, it's my sweater.

"If nothing had any meaning, you would be right. But there is something that still has a meaning."

I don't want to be that couple who stays together because they need to support the house because of there kids or that couple that the wife needs to stay and deal with her husbands shit because she needs money to feed her kids. Or that couple who stays together because they've been together for way to long and feels like it's hopeless and pointless to meet someone new. I'm not going to be that kind of couple. I'm going to set a great example for my kids and i want them to know what's real and what's not. I'm going to show them not to take anyone's bullshit, like i have done during my childhood. I'm going to show them that no matter what happens to keep their hearts burning with passion, dreams and love. I'm going to do the opposite of what  my parents did for me.

While i was organizing and cleaning my room, i found half of my art supplies. Now i have to find those brushes. I'm really in the mood to paint so when i'm done cleaning, i shall do that.

I'm not even trying to sound spoil as i continue this post. But i wish i had a friend or a boyfriend who would push me to do the things i really want to do but would never do because something would get in the way. Where they would buy me art supplies because they know how much i love to paint and sketch. I need that push to bloom more. And sometimes everyone does.

Sometimes, i really like the way i feel and who i am.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zj1FifK3bbg&feature=related   :D

Once again, i've been debating on whether i should have a tumblr as a replacement. -___- Like i said before, i am a mess. I really just want to lay down and sleep but i can't because i don't want too. My mind is uncontrollably running around and i want to do something physically like always. It's keeping me up. I'm so physically bored yet there's so much things to do in my room. I have to clean this big pile of mess that i have of clothes and i have to transfer my English notes into that notebook i bought. I think i might clean my room but yet again i don't want to tend to it. I want to watch movies. Boy, if i get this job at Rite Aid, i'll kiss the grounds. I'll be able to get netflix and that's a win. I'm going monday by the way to speak to the owner of the place and hopefully he likes how i am. I'm going to look my best. I went to today but he wasn't there so yes monday it is! I'm starting to like this side of myself that is slowly peeling off and it's being impulsive. I'm starting to do things without any thoughts clouding my actions. And i like this because i'm starting to actually do things that i want to do.

Fumble outta bed and stumble to the kitchen.
Pour myself a cup of ambition. 
And yawn and stretch, my life is a mess, 
And if I never make it home today, God bless.

But on the brighter side, me and Dylan made 7 months today and it was spent quite amazing. <3
We ate sushi and went to his house and watched movies and made sugar sprinkles cookies. Nomnomnomnom!

The only time,

I wasn't being fake, i was just trying to be nice, bitch.
It's something that just happened.
Always taking everything the wrong way and looking it at a negative way. Oh, that's right, it's what you do best.

I'm doing all the homework that i am getting. I'm usually getting homework from two classes and it's pretty easy. I'm reading this book The Stranger and it isn't as horrible as i thought it was when i read the first chapter. Anyway, today i took the longest shower i've taken in a while and it felt so great. I still have my curly hair and i love it. I feel so natural in it. Fuck everyone who has something to say about it. I hung out with my brother for a bit and he showed me some of his drawings and it's amazing how great of an artist he is. I can only imagine how much greater he'll get when he gets older. I'm proud of him. Today was a blah day but when i arrived home, it got much better. On Saturday, i'm going to this Rite Aid near my house with my dad to hopefully get a job. But i'm not going to have so much hope and just see what happens. Honestly, coming out of the shower and getting into your pjs without no bra or panties feels so amazingly free. That's something i felt that needed to be said.

"The mind is a terrible thing to waste, I show love cause it's a terrible thing to hate"

Coming home to hear those words blasting on my brother's Ps3 makes me feel good. <3 I love this song.
I'm sticking to this.

"The place where someone still thinks of you, that's called home."

You know what's funny?

Is that you sit there and complain about everyone you don't speak too anymore because of stupid reasons and the truth is, it's because of how you are is the reason why you lose friends in the first place. So before you bad mouth them and try to make them look bad  in front of other people, take a good, long look at yourself, and ask yourself "Why did our friendship end?".

Finally, these bad boys have arrived to me. I felt like a boss wearing these. Haha, i'm just kidding, but i did feel great in them. I do love them though. How much of a brat i am, i want more boots. But this will do for now. <3  Tis cute that the first thing mena does is sniff them and digs her head inside, gets out, walks around and lays right next to them. I don't know the meaning of this, but it's vedy cuteeeee.

One day we will all be beautiful in every way imaginable.

It's really that cold upstairs.

                                                    

On my ride home, i was thinking about how much i have improved through out my high school years and how much i changed. Thinking about all that shows me how much i depended on people for everything, even my happiness. I always needed someone with me. I was a very needy person as well. I have to admit, i also liked and wanted attention from every possible person i spoke to. The reason it being was that i had very low self-esteem. I knew that i was at the time too and i knew how to change it. But i didn't because the reason why i had low self-esteem was because the people who caused this, were my "friends" at the moment. They were people, i hung out with every day. Everyone just had a trashy and horrible aura. All they cared about was going to the mall and sneakers. I eventually became a depressed person, no one knew this of course. I became more of a loner then ever. I lied my life away. I didn't understand why i was so depressed at such a young age. I just thought no one understood me. I can't remember any other time i struggled and fought with thoughts of ending my life. That was probably the only time, i even thought about all that. I was a complete mess. I wanted someone to help me. I went so far for people, so they can be happy. Hoping that happiness will be returned. But i was wrong. That was stupid of me because no one ever did. I eventually told someone about all this and he responded "How can you be depressed? When they're people dying and hungry right now. Stop being so selfish." Knowing how he is, he probably said that to shake me off the depression but that didn't work because those weren't the things i needed to hear. I can't remember so clearly because three years passed from that phase i had. But i do remember that i took myself out of depression without any one's help. I can't even remember the steps i took, but i know i did it. I know that i learned a valuable lesson and many others that i still carry on with me. Never depend on others for your happiness. From that moment on, i cut all those friends out of my life. Without explanation or with. I found new friends who birth a new aura i never seen, that i began to feed upon. They were so happy and always laughing. They actually wanted to hear what i had to say. I eventually became happy because of these very new people. I was very lucky to even find friends like this so quickly after cutting off the other friends. I'm still thankful for them, even if we drifted apart. Of course, they're so much details in between all of this. Some details i won't ever share with any one or details that are just to long to write out. The point is, that nothing is impossible. Doing something for yourself emotionally and mentally is always better if you do it yourself. You learn so much more. So those people who portray them selves as "i won't ever be happy or happiness doesn't happen to me" and etc and etc. Because that's not true. Anyone can change, if they really want too. Anyone can save themselves, if they really want too. Through out all the experiences i've learned and dealt with, i have to say that most of the things you feel is a state of mind. I'm thankful for all those people who came into my life throughout the three years, i've learned so much and i'm still learning. There's alot of  positive things that was said through out it all and i still remind myself so i can become a better person. It's hard to explain the good impacts certain people gave me.

I'm really content with life right now and everything i went through just seems like a nightmare that i woke up from two years ago. So much has changed and i'm grateful that it did. I can finally say that i'm completely content with who i'm growing up into. No one ever believes me when i tell them how i use to me, because that's how happy i am and how much of a different person i am today.The ride home also made me think about the deep situations that happened to me and that caused the most dents in me, emotionally wise. And i dealt with it on my own, thinking about it. I always made myself feel better. I always took myself out of the slumps i was in. I've become so independent and I'm rough when i need to be. People just don't think that i'm capable of being rough and they're fools to even judge me. I always tell people to never underestimate anyone. Taking glimpses of my past makes me not feel like i'm 17. I been through alot for a 17 year old. And this is just an inch of it. I don't know if that's good or bad. But at least i know i'm strong and i'm ready for anything.

Why am i so drained out?

I hate when i burp and get the after taste of dinner.

I can't wait to wear these. :D

Two horrible hours were spent on crying and looking for my cat because i thought she ran away. I was jumping into assumptions and looking everywhere like a manic when she was sleeping all comfortable and warm in a closet in the basement. -_- I should know her better by now, hence that this is the second time it happened. I'm a mess. But back to being as happy as i was before. 

Thinking about it, i don't really care where the future takes me, as long as i'm completely utterly happy, healthy, and wealthy enough to maintain a house and my needs. I do have my goals set and i will accomplish them, one way or another. But i'm just saying is, why stress going to college right after high school and doing the SATs and all that extra baggage that comes along with it? When eventually you will do those things when the times comes. Does it matter when it gets done? As long as you get it done, is how i see it. Since i got to my second year of high school, i've been stressing over my grades and when my third year came along, i stressed even more. Now i'm a senior and for some reason, i'm not stressing so much as before. I came to a point in my life, that i want to take things slow, enjoy my youth, and be peaceful at mind. So that's why, all that future stuff can wait for now.

Because i'm really happy right now.

To be able to see your boyfriend late at night under the stars is probably one of the greatest things i can ever experience. Tonight is going to be great. I'll tell you all about it, when i come back. (:

Good Afternoon Guisee.

Well damn;

Tis be the second time i broke night and saw the sun come up.

How wonderful.

No really, how wonderful.

Because i'm spending my time, drowning my itunes with Gwen Stefani. I love her.

Things that need to be done.

• Buy a Secret deodorant
• Buy a marble notebook and transfer all of my english notes onto it
• Go to the hair salon, cut my hair and blow it out
• Come back home, be lazy for a while
• Clean upstairs and downstairs bathtubs and wash dishes
• Download new music onto my ipod
• Improve my government essay
• Kiss so much ass tomorrow, since i miss two days of school
• Hope that my damn boots would do some travelling to me
• Organize the hell out of my room
• Go to the supermarket with mother to include junk food onto her list of needed food
• Bother Dylan through texts
• Eat some ice cream and watch Naruto
• Sleep, sadly this needs to even happen
• Wake up, get dress, go to school 
• Get a Lunch Form 
• Hang out with Dylan
• Bother him in person 

Okay, so maybe this is more of a sum of things that i need to do and what will happen.

But nonetheless, i need a reminder sometimes. Shit needs to get done.

I have woken up twice tonight and it was because of my dreams. I just didn't want to dream about those people any more and or it was just shocking that they were even in my dreams when i haven't seen them for so long. I'm not so tired right now. Though i do want some sugar cookies with colorful sprinkles on top and some cold milk. :D  Oh, and typing in utter darkness isn't as hard as i thought would be. Haha, i miss my boyfriend yo!

I remember making quotes and posting them onto my old blog or on facebook and i would remember that people would actually question my sanity and if i was depressed or not. Why couldn't someone just write without being question? Why did people have to judge and look beyond things because it was different? And in reality, some of things i  use to write had no meaning or it was just simple things. I'm reading posts from my old blog that still lingers around because i can't delete it and it's funny how i once wrote this " I keep drowning inside my thoughts,inside your thoughts, inside that's person's thoughts,inside that person behind that person that i drowned before this person,I just keep drowning inside everyone's thoughts that are linked into me drowning inside my thoughts"  and people thought that i wanted to commit my own death after reading this. Really? And what i wrote had no meaning, is just the catchy part. People need to be more open minded and to have in mind that sometimes, writing is just writing.. I actually would even get harsh comments on my blog from anonymous people telling me that i was a vegetable and i didn't know what the hell i was writing. That is, the reason why i even disabled my comments on this blog. I don't need any of that. And even though i don't have much readers on this, i can never be too sure who would fall upon this blog.  

My interests keep growing and falling into different directions. That's how i know no one will ever fully know who i am because i'm always changing. My mind and how i deal with things are just going to keep changing. The person who you might know today, will wake up the next day a bit different. That's how i know no one can really get boring because there's always something to learn from them, something new. Even if it's just the way they say things. But it is true, one can become a boring person. I do believe that every person you meet shows you a new layer of yourself. I am a sideshow that consists of every one i met personalities, I just transform that into my style and what feels like "me". I'm not sure what the point of this post is, but at least i'm thinking about something, right?  I'm really in the mood for sushi and some bubble tea, not together of course. Three California Rolls with some Miso Soup sounds just about perfect and then to drink some bubble tea, minutes after. I need to live near these places so i can purchase these things so easily and quickly. Today is saturday and my mom doesn't cook because it's "her day off". I usually get chinese take outs or pizza or even subway but i'm not really in the mood for none of that.

Whenever i'm alone with you, you make me feel like i am home again
Whenever i'm alone with you, you make me fee like i am whole again
Whenever i'm alone with you, you make me feel like i am young again
Whenever i'm alone with you, you make me feel like i am fun again
Whenever i'm alone with you, you make me feel like i am free again
Whenever i'm alone with you, you make me feel like i am clean again

The sun is rising and i haven't fallen asleep. I only took an hour nap and woke up and chatted with my sister and watched some episodes of Naruto. My life is all about naps, never sleep. I'm waiting until i get a notification on my boots being sent to my house. I don't even know if i'm tired, that's how brain dead i am right now. I think i am but i'm to blah to even think that much into it. Whatever the case is, i want to sleep. But my patience has arrived to it's peak and that's making me stay up. I really want to fall asleep on your lap again. I'm so hungry too. I keep hearing my stomach have mini conversations with me. I can't wait for whatever my breakfast is. Yesterday something snapped into it's place and i'm thinking straight and healthy about a subject that is long gone. Where it belonged from the start. And for who ever is Almighty, thank you. I hope i'm saying this because it's the truth and not just a short period of time state of mind because those are annoying. I need to train myself to not live in the past.

I regret cutting my bangs as short as i have them now. I hope they grow a bit shorter to this length in this picture.

 I wish i had more friends that i can count on and spend nights with. Talking about nothing and baking until our hearts feel like exploding over a sugar rush. The ones who would never turn there back on you, not even for a second. The ones who won't bad mouth your name and judge you when you're telling them a story with no meaning. The ones who will be happy along with you in the mornings instead of dragging you down with negativity or acute comments. The ones who would never tip toe around your feelings. The ones who won't call you annoying  just because you walk like there's rainbows everywhere. The ones who will listen to your dreams and the taste of music you have. The ones who you can have a look with about almost anything and they'll understand you with out a word shared. The ones who won't get in the way of what you plan on doing to better your life. The ones who won't be secretly jealous of your other relationships dealing with whomever. The ones who won't mind tagging along, impulsively, when you ask them too. The ones who have a life of their own. The ones who are emotionally stable. The ones who support you with whatever blizzard ideas you have. The ones who won't hesitate to help you when you need it. The ones who understand your silence when you're hurt. The ones who stay for a long time. The ones who stand up for you no matter what when someone is talking trash about you. The ones who can watch endless movies with you. The ones who shop with you. The ones who are able to recommend good things for your mind and soul.

I need that type of friend.
I have one friend that i want to do all these things with, besides with Dylan. She knows who she is.
But other than that, i'm tired of what Bowne is offering me.

My feet are freezing. But i refuse to go and get some socks because i'm a bit lazy right now but i will get some socks that reach up to my knees. Those are my favorites.
I'm a happy camper knowing that next week is going to be around it's 60s. Finally.
I'm hoping tomorrow i can finally get my boots. -___-
I'm making some ramen with eggs at the moment while i watch Naruto. I'm thinking of staying up all night to catch up but i don't know if that's going to happen. Since i'm starting to get sleepy.

Today, i took two naps. One that felt pretty long and it was great and the second one was just point blank, amazing. I was half asleep through it all while having short clips of dreams. I didn't think it was even possible to smile and laugh while you're sleeping. But it is. I experienced it today. 

"You're like home to me."

the cutest thing i've ever heard.

Happy October (Octopus).

New Month and New Hope.
I know things will be alright. They are always at the end of the day. Instead of sleeping or listening to music, i'm listening to the winds and it's making me feel at peace. So yes, i do feel a bit better.